Si Carol Dauden, na isang magaling aktres, at si Aiza Seguera, na mahusay na mang-aawit, ay umamin na—sila ay mga tomboy. Mukha naman silang masaya sa kanilang pag-amin. Mas naging malaya sila. Natanggap naman sila ng mga pamilya nila at mga kaibigan. Pero bakit ang mga bakla sa showbiz, isang damukal ang ayaw umamin. Yung iba, tumanda na, at yung iba naman, namatay na pero hindi umamin. Namatay nang nagtatago. Namatay nang hindi malaya. Kawawang bakla.
Sabi ng mga kaibigan kong tomboy, minsan daw, nakaka-get sila ng babaeng makaka-s*x nang hindi nila binabayaran. Para ding mga straight guys na minsan talk show lang at isang bote ng beer, confirmed na! Yung mga baklang mukhang babae at maganda, siguro nakaka-get ng libre, pero prangkahan na, yung iba hindi. Kahit mayaman ang bakla or sikat at powerful, pay pa din. Yung iba, hindi cash. Minsan, career or trabaho. Minsan, damit or rubber shoes. Basta, may kapalit pa rin. May mga kaibigan akong nagmamaganda. Mahal daw sila ng kanilang mga straight boyfriends. I asked them, “Try niyo nga huwag bigyan ‘yan ng allowance or work, tignan ko lang kung boyfriend mo pa ‘yan.” Ayaw naman nila i-try. Kawawang bakla.
Ang dami kong kilalang tomboy na ang girlfriend babaeng totoo ‘tapos tumagal ang relasyon. Sa mga bakla, ang tumatagal lang yung bakla sa baklang relasyon. Kawawang bakla.
Lima na ang kakilala kong baklang pinatay. Yung dalawa, ka-close ko pa. Nagkaroon tuloy ng chismis na baka may gay serial killer. Pero tomboy, walang masyadong pinapatay. Naisip ko, itong mga gay killers, they know na kaya nilang patayin ang mga kawawang bakla na biktima nila. Honestly, minsan naisip ko, kung meron kayang bakla na serial killer naman ng mga lalaki? Bongga, di ba? Pero mga salbahe lang ang pinapatay niya. Kaya lang ‘pag nahuli, kawawang bakla.
Parang boring ang kumalat na picture ng Mocha girls na naghahalikan. Pero kung member ng all-male group ang may kumalat na picture na naglalaplapan, kahit biruan lang din tulad ng sa Mocha, I’m sure-manicure- pedicure- kulot, hanggang next year ay headline ‘yon. Pagchi-chismisan sa beauty parlor, palengke, school, opisina, prisinto, at sa batis habang naglalaba. Kasi recently ko lang nalaman, na ‘pag dalawang babae pala ang naghalikan, natuturn-on ang mga lalaki. Pero ‘pag dalawang lalaki ang naghalikan, hindi naman natuturn-on ang mga babae, worst, nandidiri sila. Biased, di ba? Kawawang bakla.
Pag ang mga lalaki nambabae, sasabihin “macho.” Pero pag namakla, “kadiri.” Kawawang bakla.
Pag ang bakla mukhang babae, maganda. Pero ang babae pag mukang bakla, pangit. Hahaha. Kawawang bakla.
Eto, talagang totoo. Pag ang baklang pa-girl malaki ang nota, alaskado siya sa mga kaibigan niyang bakla. Ang tomboy na pamin pag matambok ang pechay, kaiinggitan ng mga kaibigan niyang tomboy. Suwerteng tomboy, kawawang bakla.
Ang dami kong kaibigang Filipino-Chinese na tomboy at accepted ng family nila. Ang dami kong kaibigang Filipino-Chinese na tagong bakla. Yung iba umamin na lang noong patay na ang tatay nila. Kawawang bakla.
Pag may dumaan na bakla, sumisigaw ang mga batang kalye ng, “Bakla! Bakla!” Pero parang hindi pa ako nakarinig na sumigaw sila ng, “Tomboy! Tomboy!” Kawawang bakla.
Ang mga baklang nakadamit-babae, posibleng mabastos pag pumasok sa C.R. ng boys. Pag ang tomboy pumasok sa C.R. ng girls, okay lang na nakadamit-lalaki. Hindi kaya dahil lalaki lang ang nambabastos? Kawawang bakla.
Nabanggit ko na ito dati. Ang dami kong nakikitang tomboy na may ka-holding hands na babae. May nakita na ba kayong baklang hinolding hands ng boyfriend niya? In public, ha. Kawawang bakla.
Yung isang kaibigan kong tomboy, tuwang-tuwa daw ang tatay niyang sundalo nang malamang tomboy siya. Yung kaibigan kong bakla, binugbog ng tatay na sundalo nang malamang bakla. Kaloka. Kawawang bakla.
Pag ang anak na lalaki or babae masama ang ugali, ang tawag “black sheep.” Pag bakla ang anak na masama ang ugali, ang tawag “salot.” May kaibigan nga ako na mabait naman, salot pa din ang turing ng pamilya. Maryosep, kawawang bakla.
Kadalasan ang lalaki, kapag nakikipag-break sa girlfriend nila, kasi may ibang babae. Kapag ang lalaki, nakikipag-break sa bakla, kasi may ibang bakla or babae. Heto ang kakaiba, may kaibigan akong bakla, iniwan siya ng jowa niya kasi nag-born again. Ang say ni bakla, “Anong palagay niya sa akin, demonyo?” Kawawang bakla.
Naging malaking issue nang tawagin ni Joey de Leon na “mukhang aswang” si Pokwang. Dahil siguro magkatapat sila ng show. Sabi ni Willie Revillame, kawawa naman daw ang anak ni Pokwang kasi tinutukso sa school. Naisip ko lang, kung bakla ang co-host sa Wowowee at sinabihang “mukhang aswang” ni Joey, masasabi rin kaya ni Willie na kawawa naman ang mga pamangkin ni bakla kasi tinutukso sa school? Ano sa sa plagay niyo? Sana naman…Kasi ‘pag hindi, kawawa si bakla.
May mga artistang babae at lalaki na pangit na, wala pang laman ang utak. Itsura pa lang kasi, nakakatawa na. Ang mga baklang pangit, kailangan medyo witty at matalino. Kung hindi, kawawa kang bakla ka.
Ang batang lalaki ‘pag kumikendeng, sasabihin “bakla paglaki.” ‘Pag ang batang babae, macho kumilos, sasabihin ay “boyish” lang. Kawawang baklita.
Ang mga babae tuwang-tuwa ‘pag pumupunta sa gay bar. Ang mga bakla, kawawa sa pandidiri ‘pag pumunta sa girlie bar. Sure ako diyan. Sinama ako dati ng mga kaibigan kong lalaki, awang-awa ako sa sarili ko. Huhuhu.
Nakakatawa pero nakakasad yung joke na ito (buti na lang joke):
PARI: Ang mga bakla ay hindi makakapasok sa langit.
BAKLA: Ok lang ‘yon Father. Doon na lang kami sa Rainbow, magslide-slide.
Which made me think. Ang mga bakla lang ang makakaisip ng ganoon. Hindi na papasukin sa langit pero nakuha pang mag-taray at lumigaya sa pag-slide sa rainbow.
Dito sa Pilipinas, sa Quezon City na lang, tabi-tabi ang gay bar. Lesbian bar, may nakita ka na?
Alam niyo ba na may mga spa at massage parlor na para lang sa mga bakla? Bongga!
Walang baklang istambay. As in pang lalaki lang ang word na ‘yan. Yun nga lang, may baklang pusher at bugaw pero may trabaho pa din. Bihira ang baklang holdaper. Yung kumukuha na lang ng hindi kanila. May na-meet na akong baklang snatcher at akyat-bahay, at least, nag-effort muna sa pagtakbo at pag-akyat. Hahaha.
Ang word na “pink peso” ay dedicated daw sa pera na kinikita at ginagastos ng mga bakla.
Madami daw bakla sa call center na pinapayagang mag-boses babae kasi boses babae talaga. I doubt kung madaming tomboy ang boses lalaki. Aminin.
May kaibigan akong tomboy na nag-commit ng suicide after iwan ng girlfriend. Ang mga bakla ‘pag iniwan ng jowa, mababaliw lang—iiyak…mag- e-emote…magkukulong sa kwarto…magluluto… magpapa-parlor…’tapos may jowa na ulit. Taray! I should know.
Mas madaming bakla ang nanalo sa mga make-up at hair style competition. Oo naman.
Ang mga bakla, may taste. Pag sinabi naming pangit, pangit talaga ‘yon. Pero pag sinabi naming maganda, ay maganda talaga ‘yon. May kaibigan akong lalaki. May pina-date sa akin na barkada daw niyang guwapo. Sa barkada nila, ‘yon daw ang pinaka-guwapo. Nang makita ko, ang naisip ko lang, “Diyos ko po! Ano pa itsura ng pangit sa barkada nila?” May barkada naman akong babae. Pinakilala sa akin yung manliligaw niya. Super guwapo daw. Pucha, pagkakita ko, napa-C.R. ako.
Ang mga bakla, masaya kasama. Maingay, nakakatawa at hindi boring.
Come to think of it. Hindi rin pala kami masyadong kawawa. Mga bakla, tara na sa Rainbow at mag-slide-slide in this particular order:
RED- Mga baklang pa-girl, operada at mukhang babae. Go, mga sisters!
ORANGE- Mga batang bakla. Slide na, mga anak!
GREEN- Mga paminta, mukhang lalaki. Slide na, mga pare!
YELLOW- Mga baklang may asawa at anak. You deserved to be happy. Slide na!
VIOLET- Mga baklang bisexual, dito kayo kasi alanganing red, alanganing blue. Go!
INDIGO- Mga baklang Diva at Mama. Halina mga sisters. Mama Ricky, kapit lang po mabuti. Sunod na po ako in a while.
BLUE- Mga baklang tago at ayaw umamin, dito kayo. Kahit hindi kayo umaamin, may karapatan din kayong mag-slide sa rainbow natin. Ingat lang sa pagtili at baka mabuking. Diyan kayo sa dulo para hindi mahalata ng bayan na nakikipaglaro kayo sa amin. Don’t worry, we understand. Alam ko, kawawa din kayo. Sssshhhh….
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Wonderful World of Filipinized Reality TV (Part 2)
Hi Kids! Last time I presented my personal Filipinized Reality TV shows that I deem revolting. Revolting as in yech-I-just-vomited-in-my-mouth. As I’ve said, I have three categories to classify these shows. Revolting, Undecided, and Riveting. Since Revolting was done and over with, here comes Undecided.
Undecided (Gray area. I can’t quite place my feelings of whether I love or hate these shows).
Project Runway Philippines
Of course like all men raised well, I love the original Project Runway brouhaha. Putting a group of highly creative individuals in a controlled setting will likely lead to surprise endings, and not to mention catfights. Since I love the show so much, ergo it will follow that I will love the Filipino version of it. Yeah, sometimes.
What I love about the show:
Filipino creativity and ingenuity is always fun to watch. No matter what the adversary is, we will always see the light at the end of the tunnel, the sun beyond clouds, and whatever bullshit that symbolizes winning over adversaries. We can be likened to cockroaches that refuse to die even after trampled upon. Hahaha. The show is also a very good venue for additional proof that we Filipinos are really very much ready to have air kisses with the likes of the oddly grotesque Donnatella Versace, the flamboyant and colorful Donna Karan, and all the other internationally known names in fashion.
The show was really very religious to the US concept, a facet that is very important to earn credibility points. Of course since we don’t have the caliber of a German international top model as versatile and hot as Heidi Klum, we have to make do of what we have.
What I hate about the show:
For a show that is majorly comprised of gay designers, the show isn’t gay enough. It’s as stiff as a morning woodie! Send in the drama! Bring in the tears and catfights! Also, it is very unforgivable for me to dismiss our local dialects. If talking in English causes nosebleed to the talker, by all means, talk in the vernacular, or write it down, or do sign languages! It’s very hypocritical and very funny (in a sad way, talk about oxymorons!).
(I have a question. Could Joji Lloren be any gayer? Whenever I see him on-screen he reminds me of a Cirque de Soleil production, I dunno why.)
I can’t place my emotions about Teresa Herrera. She’s beautiful yes, but it feels like she’s wishing that she’d rather be somewhere else whenever she does her spiels. Her connection towards the contestants is akin to a boss housemaid relationship not host and contestant. It’s also sad that the partner magazine will have to be Mega. I mean, does anybody read that shit?
Philippines Next Top Model
Again, like all men raised well, I love the America’s Next Top Model, all seasons of it. (Although I’m pretty sure that most of the contestants are still the same outcasts even after their respective shows are off the air). Each episode is comprised of 5 soap operas combined in 1 show. Filipinos being suckers for drama, PNTM won’t surely disappoint, sometimes.
What I love about the show:
I love Wilam Doesnt. (I actually watch her talk show with Lucy. Without her, it’s like watching a lobotomized version of a Chinese cooking show aired during Sundays). Therefore, having her as a judge was a welcome treat. Robbie Carmona wasn’t bad either.
Again, the show was really very religious to the US concept, right from the lalalalalala tune during the opening credits to the usual Tyra Banks Spiel – you’re still in the running towards becoming America’s (Philippines’) Next Top Model.
The contestants were comprised of a yummy mix of personalities. A feisty statuesque lady from Cebu, a dark-skinned beauty from North Luzon (of course Wilma’s favorite, at first) and some interspersing of Chinitas of various chinkyness.
What I hate about the show:
It’s shown in RPN 9, where no one really tunes in to. The reception was always very ludicrous (coming from someone with no TV production background).
Ruffa is sometimes hard to watch. If she was channeling Tyra, she’ll be tearing her hair-weaves in one strong pull. The lady from Preview magazine was actually better.
The commercial shoot that they had was extremely memorable. Not because it was so good. It was so bad it stenched until now.
Undecided (Gray area. I can’t quite place my feelings of whether I love or hate these shows).
Project Runway Philippines
Of course like all men raised well, I love the original Project Runway brouhaha. Putting a group of highly creative individuals in a controlled setting will likely lead to surprise endings, and not to mention catfights. Since I love the show so much, ergo it will follow that I will love the Filipino version of it. Yeah, sometimes.
What I love about the show:
Filipino creativity and ingenuity is always fun to watch. No matter what the adversary is, we will always see the light at the end of the tunnel, the sun beyond clouds, and whatever bullshit that symbolizes winning over adversaries. We can be likened to cockroaches that refuse to die even after trampled upon. Hahaha. The show is also a very good venue for additional proof that we Filipinos are really very much ready to have air kisses with the likes of the oddly grotesque Donnatella Versace, the flamboyant and colorful Donna Karan, and all the other internationally known names in fashion.
The show was really very religious to the US concept, a facet that is very important to earn credibility points. Of course since we don’t have the caliber of a German international top model as versatile and hot as Heidi Klum, we have to make do of what we have.
What I hate about the show:
For a show that is majorly comprised of gay designers, the show isn’t gay enough. It’s as stiff as a morning woodie! Send in the drama! Bring in the tears and catfights! Also, it is very unforgivable for me to dismiss our local dialects. If talking in English causes nosebleed to the talker, by all means, talk in the vernacular, or write it down, or do sign languages! It’s very hypocritical and very funny (in a sad way, talk about oxymorons!).
(I have a question. Could Joji Lloren be any gayer? Whenever I see him on-screen he reminds me of a Cirque de Soleil production, I dunno why.)
I can’t place my emotions about Teresa Herrera. She’s beautiful yes, but it feels like she’s wishing that she’d rather be somewhere else whenever she does her spiels. Her connection towards the contestants is akin to a boss housemaid relationship not host and contestant. It’s also sad that the partner magazine will have to be Mega. I mean, does anybody read that shit?
Philippines Next Top Model
Again, like all men raised well, I love the America’s Next Top Model, all seasons of it. (Although I’m pretty sure that most of the contestants are still the same outcasts even after their respective shows are off the air). Each episode is comprised of 5 soap operas combined in 1 show. Filipinos being suckers for drama, PNTM won’t surely disappoint, sometimes.
What I love about the show:
I love Wilam Doesnt. (I actually watch her talk show with Lucy. Without her, it’s like watching a lobotomized version of a Chinese cooking show aired during Sundays). Therefore, having her as a judge was a welcome treat. Robbie Carmona wasn’t bad either.
Again, the show was really very religious to the US concept, right from the lalalalalala tune during the opening credits to the usual Tyra Banks Spiel – you’re still in the running towards becoming America’s (Philippines’) Next Top Model.
The contestants were comprised of a yummy mix of personalities. A feisty statuesque lady from Cebu, a dark-skinned beauty from North Luzon (of course Wilma’s favorite, at first) and some interspersing of Chinitas of various chinkyness.
What I hate about the show:
It’s shown in RPN 9, where no one really tunes in to. The reception was always very ludicrous (coming from someone with no TV production background).
Ruffa is sometimes hard to watch. If she was channeling Tyra, she’ll be tearing her hair-weaves in one strong pull. The lady from Preview magazine was actually better.
The commercial shoot that they had was extremely memorable. Not because it was so good. It was so bad it stenched until now.
to be continued...
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Wonderful World of Filipinized Reality TV (Part 1)
Like everyone else who adores the boob tube, I lurve Reality TV. There’s something unexplainable about looking at the inane but intimate lives of strangers making them extremely riveting. There is a certain astute complexity in the way people that we normally regard as boring, could transform into superfluous creatures worthy of our time. Anyway, I compiled a list of Reality TV series that are based from a foreign franchise. I classified them as Revolting, Undecided and Riveting.
Revolting
Pinoy Idol
Yech. Millions of pesos down the drain.
Honestly, I am a big fan of GMA singing contests simply because they really can deliver! Shows such as piNOY POP SUPerstar have produced singers that are unequivocally world class. GMA clearly stepped on a faux pas on this one, hands down.
Where they were wrong-
Firstly, the premise of the singing competition Idol in itself is quite controversial. Though it is solely a singing competition, choosing the winners will really rely not necessarily on the basis of vocal abilities of a contestant but rather on his/her ability to garner viewer votes. Yeah one can say that ultimately, the show is looking for the next Pop Superstar but then again, on the merits of musicality, this is where the debacle usually starts.
Pinoy Idol is one big example. (Renaming the show to Pinoy Idol from last year’s Philippine Idol was actually a blessing in disguise. Those who joined last year’s competition won’t have to waft this year’s shit). First faux pas – the judges. Last year’s roster, with the exception of La Pilita, was actually great. Ryan Cayabyab is music fundamentals personified! Francis M on the other hand will always be a music icon of the Philippine Pop Culture. And now enters Ogie Alcasid, Jolina Magdangal, and Wyngard Tracy. Yeah Ogie is right on, being one of the best singer and songwriter in the PI, but taking in those other 2 as judges was like a prank gone bad. Jolina is cutesy in all fairness, but seeing her give advices to aspiring singers when she herself is not even close to being a good one is really very hard to swallow. I don’t hate her or anything but it could’ve been best if the show got a senior one (not necessarily age, e.q. Mamita) like Jaya or Kyla for example. Now the deal with Wyngard is just weird. I’m pretty sure he was just splotched in with the three to provide the “Simon Cowell” character. He is really unnecessary. If they wanted a true-blue bitch to earn for them the much coveted ratings, they could’ve asked Celia Rodriguez instead of this person. Again, I have nothing against him, since I don’t even know Wyngard, all my salivatory elocutions are based from my experiences as an avid watcher of the show, well if I actually have the stomach to listen to all performances. Second faux pas – the contestants. Considering that they did an over-publicized nationwide audition for Pinoy Idol, it would follow that they could’ve discovered the next best thing in music. WRONG! Yeah there were a couple of hits here and there but ultimately, I can’t give a shit about the top 12, my gosh 2 of them are “rockers” one hideous, the other gross, eew that’s all I can say. And lastly, of course as expected, since the show’s premise started flimsy, the ending would likewise be the same. Case in point – the winner, Gretchen from a wealthy family in Tacloban (I’m not insinuating that they probably bought truckloads of sim cards or anything) whose voice I can’t even remember.
PBB (Pinoy Big Brother)
Honestly, I was a big fan during the early episodes of Season 1. Whether we admit it or not, watching the show is like nursing our voyeuristic side. We secretly are very interested in spying the private lives of strangers. My interest greatly heightened when Sam Milby came in. I mean he was really gorgeous, prior to all gay accusations and whatnot, but then he still is even amidst all gossips. Anyway, my interest waned when the ABS CBN stigma came in. Aargh! If GMA7 is synonymous to Barok or Jologs, ABS CBN is the epitome of over-sensationalism; you know rubbing the “in” thing in front of your face until you get sick of it. It is common knowledge that they even sensationalize news. So as expected, when the show’s ratings kept on going up, they have to infuse in their sickening formula. First example, letting in all the tear-jerkers. There should at least be one crying session per episode. It’s alright if I’m watching a Judy Ann Santos soap, but heck it’s reality tv! Yeah crying everyday is pretty much a part of life… if there are cameras all around you! Second example – the tasks. Their tasks are so mundane I can’t even think straight. Let’s just say that if ever I was one of the housemates and I was given any one of their idiotic tasks, I will flick my middle finger in front of all 50 cameras, mouthing words that’ll eventually sound as a heart monitor during post editing. Third and last, the disembodied voice of “Kuya” is downright gut-wrenching, bowel inducing annoying. Again, if I were a housemate, and I hear kuya say Housemates… I’ll scream FUCK YOU!!!
Revolting
Pinoy Idol
Yech. Millions of pesos down the drain.
Honestly, I am a big fan of GMA singing contests simply because they really can deliver! Shows such as piNOY POP SUPerstar have produced singers that are unequivocally world class. GMA clearly stepped on a faux pas on this one, hands down.
Where they were wrong-
Firstly, the premise of the singing competition Idol in itself is quite controversial. Though it is solely a singing competition, choosing the winners will really rely not necessarily on the basis of vocal abilities of a contestant but rather on his/her ability to garner viewer votes. Yeah one can say that ultimately, the show is looking for the next Pop Superstar but then again, on the merits of musicality, this is where the debacle usually starts.
Pinoy Idol is one big example. (Renaming the show to Pinoy Idol from last year’s Philippine Idol was actually a blessing in disguise. Those who joined last year’s competition won’t have to waft this year’s shit). First faux pas – the judges. Last year’s roster, with the exception of La Pilita, was actually great. Ryan Cayabyab is music fundamentals personified! Francis M on the other hand will always be a music icon of the Philippine Pop Culture. And now enters Ogie Alcasid, Jolina Magdangal, and Wyngard Tracy. Yeah Ogie is right on, being one of the best singer and songwriter in the PI, but taking in those other 2 as judges was like a prank gone bad. Jolina is cutesy in all fairness, but seeing her give advices to aspiring singers when she herself is not even close to being a good one is really very hard to swallow. I don’t hate her or anything but it could’ve been best if the show got a senior one (not necessarily age, e.q. Mamita) like Jaya or Kyla for example. Now the deal with Wyngard is just weird. I’m pretty sure he was just splotched in with the three to provide the “Simon Cowell” character. He is really unnecessary. If they wanted a true-blue bitch to earn for them the much coveted ratings, they could’ve asked Celia Rodriguez instead of this person. Again, I have nothing against him, since I don’t even know Wyngard, all my salivatory elocutions are based from my experiences as an avid watcher of the show, well if I actually have the stomach to listen to all performances. Second faux pas – the contestants. Considering that they did an over-publicized nationwide audition for Pinoy Idol, it would follow that they could’ve discovered the next best thing in music. WRONG! Yeah there were a couple of hits here and there but ultimately, I can’t give a shit about the top 12, my gosh 2 of them are “rockers” one hideous, the other gross, eew that’s all I can say. And lastly, of course as expected, since the show’s premise started flimsy, the ending would likewise be the same. Case in point – the winner, Gretchen from a wealthy family in Tacloban (I’m not insinuating that they probably bought truckloads of sim cards or anything) whose voice I can’t even remember.
PBB (Pinoy Big Brother)
Honestly, I was a big fan during the early episodes of Season 1. Whether we admit it or not, watching the show is like nursing our voyeuristic side. We secretly are very interested in spying the private lives of strangers. My interest greatly heightened when Sam Milby came in. I mean he was really gorgeous, prior to all gay accusations and whatnot, but then he still is even amidst all gossips. Anyway, my interest waned when the ABS CBN stigma came in. Aargh! If GMA7 is synonymous to Barok or Jologs, ABS CBN is the epitome of over-sensationalism; you know rubbing the “in” thing in front of your face until you get sick of it. It is common knowledge that they even sensationalize news. So as expected, when the show’s ratings kept on going up, they have to infuse in their sickening formula. First example, letting in all the tear-jerkers. There should at least be one crying session per episode. It’s alright if I’m watching a Judy Ann Santos soap, but heck it’s reality tv! Yeah crying everyday is pretty much a part of life… if there are cameras all around you! Second example – the tasks. Their tasks are so mundane I can’t even think straight. Let’s just say that if ever I was one of the housemates and I was given any one of their idiotic tasks, I will flick my middle finger in front of all 50 cameras, mouthing words that’ll eventually sound as a heart monitor during post editing. Third and last, the disembodied voice of “Kuya” is downright gut-wrenching, bowel inducing annoying. Again, if I were a housemate, and I hear kuya say Housemates… I’ll scream FUCK YOU!!!
to be continued...
Customer Care in 2020
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
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Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
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Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, howmuch will that cost?" Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. Thetotal is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit cardis over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 sinceOctober last year. That's not including the late payment charges onyour housing loan, > Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdrawsome cash before your guy arrives"
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Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
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Customer: " What!"
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Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you'realso diabetic.... ... " > Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987you were convicted of using abusive language on apoliceman... ?"
Customer: [Faints]
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ .. on......88986135610 2049998-45- 54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you callingfrom now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, howmuch will that cost?" Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. Thetotal is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit cardis over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 sinceOctober last year. That's not including the late payment charges onyour housing loan, > Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdrawsome cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you' ve reached yourdaily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can alwayscome and collect it on your motorcycle.. ."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registra tion number 1123..." Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you'realso diabetic.... ... " > Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987you were convicted of using abusive language on apoliceman... ?"
Customer: [Faints]
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tan - G A
Juan and Pedro nag-text
Juan: Pedro pa pasaload naman ako ng 2 Pesos o.
(napasa na)
Juan: Thanks Pedro!
Pedro: O wag ka na mag-reply 2 pesos lang yan eh.
Juan: K
Juan: Pedro pa pasaload naman ako ng 2 Pesos o.
(napasa na)
Juan: Thanks Pedro!
Pedro: O wag ka na mag-reply 2 pesos lang yan eh.
Juan: K
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the offiser job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.I'm lookin for a Jobb as a offiser but it musent be to complicaited.I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,BRYAN nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Viva Italia
Il Primo Ministro ha preso mettendo le dita nel naso e lo mangiando.
Prime Minister caught picking his nose then eating it (his booger that is).
Friday, August 22, 2008
Mrs.
I miss Bangkok.
I miss Grad School.
I miss working hard at work.
I miss being fit and thin.
I miss raunchy sex.
I miss being sexy.
I miss being the center of attention.
I miss being bitchy.
I miss the beach.
I miss the feeling of being really really happy.
I miss Grad School.
I miss working hard at work.
I miss being fit and thin.
I miss raunchy sex.
I miss being sexy.
I miss being the center of attention.
I miss being bitchy.
I miss the beach.
I miss the feeling of being really really happy.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Pinoy Branding
1. Parlor in San Juan is named "Cut & Face"
2. Wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas: "Starduck"
3. Fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija: "Violybee"
4. Internet cafe opened among squatters named "Cafe Pindot"
5. In Manila , there's a laundry named, "Summa Cum Laundry"
6. Petshop in Ortigas: "Pussies and Bitches"
7. A pet shop in Kamuning: "Pakita Mo Pet Mo"
8. Bakery: "Bread Pit"
9. Bank in Alabang: "Alabank"
10. Restaurant in Pampanga named, "Mekeni Rogers"
11. Restaurant in Pasig : "Johnny's Fried Chicken: The Fried of Marikina"
12. A boxing gym: "Blow Jab"
13. A tombstone maker in Antipolo: "Lito Lapida"
14. A copy center in Sikatuna Village called "Pakopya ni Edgar"
15. A beerhouse in Cavite called, "Chickpoint"
16. Laundromat in Sikatuna: " Star Wash : Attack of the Clothes"
17. Internet cafe in Taguig named, "n@kopi@"
18. Name of a kambingan, "Sa Goat Kita"
19. A salon somewhere, "Curl Up And Dye"
20. A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan: "Gee Congee"
21. A water refilling station in Dapitan named "Wa-Thirst"
22. A store selling feeds for chickens: "Robocock"
23. Shoe repair in Marikina : "Dr. Shoe-Bago"
24. Shoe repair store along Commonwealth, "SHOEPERMAN: We will HEEL you! save your SOLE, and even DYE for you!"
25. Petshop: "Petness First"
26. Flower shop: "Susan's Roses"
27. Taxicab: "Income Taxi"
28. A 2nd hand watch store: "2nd Time Around".
29. A squid stall in a wet market: "Pusit to the Limit"
30. A shrimp store: "Hipon Coming Back"
31. A gay lawyer's extension office: " Nota Republic"
32. A ceiling installer: "Kisame Street"
33. A car repair shop: "Bangga ka 'day?"
34. An aquatic pet store in Malolos: "Fish Be With You"
35. A fishball cart named, "Poke Poke"
36. A beauty salon: "Saudia Hairlines"
37. A bakery: "Anak Ng Tinapay"
38. A resto along Mayon road in Manila: "May Lisa Eatery"
39. Laundry shop: "Wash Your Problem"
40. This mobile massage business name isn't funny, but their slogan is: "Asian Mobile Massage Service: Massage only, God is watching"
41. Ice cream parlor: "Dila Lang Ang Katapat"
42. Chicharon store: "Chicha Hut"
43. Neighborhood pizza store: "Pizza Hot"
44. A fishball cart near UST: "Eat My Balls"
45. A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: "Pinoy Big Barber"
46. A Resto: "The Last Supper"
47. A goto resto: "Goto Ko Pa!"
48. A peanut vendor's cart with a funny name: "Mani ni Papa"
49. A gym in Malolos: " Gaymann Fitness Center"
50. A Party needs business: "Balloon-Balloonan"
51. A Chinese restaurant in Pasig: "Lah-Fang"
52. A store selling fresh chicken, owned by woman named Dina: "Dina Fresh Chicken"
53. An actual bait and tackle shop in U.S.: "The Master Baiter"
54. Panaderia: "Trimonay Bakeshop"
55. Salon: "Hair Dot Comb"
2. Wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas: "Starduck"
3. Fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija: "Violybee"
4. Internet cafe opened among squatters named "Cafe Pindot"
5. In Manila , there's a laundry named, "Summa Cum Laundry"
6. Petshop in Ortigas: "Pussies and Bitches"
7. A pet shop in Kamuning: "Pakita Mo Pet Mo"
8. Bakery: "Bread Pit"
9. Bank in Alabang: "Alabank"
10. Restaurant in Pampanga named, "Mekeni Rogers"
11. Restaurant in Pasig : "Johnny's Fried Chicken: The Fried of Marikina"
12. A boxing gym: "Blow Jab"
13. A tombstone maker in Antipolo: "Lito Lapida"
14. A copy center in Sikatuna Village called "Pakopya ni Edgar"
15. A beerhouse in Cavite called, "Chickpoint"
16. Laundromat in Sikatuna: " Star Wash : Attack of the Clothes"
17. Internet cafe in Taguig named, "n@kopi@"
18. Name of a kambingan, "Sa Goat Kita"
19. A salon somewhere, "Curl Up And Dye"
20. A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan: "Gee Congee"
21. A water refilling station in Dapitan named "Wa-Thirst"
22. A store selling feeds for chickens: "Robocock"
23. Shoe repair in Marikina : "Dr. Shoe-Bago"
24. Shoe repair store along Commonwealth, "SHOEPERMAN: We will HEEL you! save your SOLE, and even DYE for you!"
25. Petshop: "Petness First"
26. Flower shop: "Susan's Roses"
27. Taxicab: "Income Taxi"
28. A 2nd hand watch store: "2nd Time Around".
29. A squid stall in a wet market: "Pusit to the Limit"
30. A shrimp store: "Hipon Coming Back"
31. A gay lawyer's extension office: " Nota Republic"
32. A ceiling installer: "Kisame Street"
33. A car repair shop: "Bangga ka 'day?"
34. An aquatic pet store in Malolos: "Fish Be With You"
35. A fishball cart named, "Poke Poke"
36. A beauty salon: "Saudia Hairlines"
37. A bakery: "Anak Ng Tinapay"
38. A resto along Mayon road in Manila: "May Lisa Eatery"
39. Laundry shop: "Wash Your Problem"
40. This mobile massage business name isn't funny, but their slogan is: "Asian Mobile Massage Service: Massage only, God is watching"
41. Ice cream parlor: "Dila Lang Ang Katapat"
42. Chicharon store: "Chicha Hut"
43. Neighborhood pizza store: "Pizza Hot"
44. A fishball cart near UST: "Eat My Balls"
45. A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: "Pinoy Big Barber"
46. A Resto: "The Last Supper"
47. A goto resto: "Goto Ko Pa!"
48. A peanut vendor's cart with a funny name: "Mani ni Papa"
49. A gym in Malolos: " Gaymann Fitness Center"
50. A Party needs business: "Balloon-Balloonan"
51. A Chinese restaurant in Pasig: "Lah-Fang"
52. A store selling fresh chicken, owned by woman named Dina: "Dina Fresh Chicken"
53. An actual bait and tackle shop in U.S.: "The Master Baiter"
54. Panaderia: "Trimonay Bakeshop"
55. Salon: "Hair Dot Comb"
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Batman Superman
AIRPORT SECURITY: What’s your name?
PASSENGER: Batman.
AS: Your real name, please.
P: My name IS Batman.
AS: Are you trying to be funny?! What’s your surname?
P: Superman.
Airport security handcuffs him & puts him in a locked security facility.
Then they checked his passport.........
PASSENGER: Batman.
AS: Your real name, please.
P: My name IS Batman.
AS: Are you trying to be funny?! What’s your surname?
P: Superman.
Airport security handcuffs him & puts him in a locked security facility.
Then they checked his passport.........
Alien Encounters
This is not the ordinary meeting of the third kind, though just as scary. This is from the hidden compartments of my memories stashed far away back. Anyway, this is a recollection of incidents when I met the scary creepy goose bumps-inducing vertical lipped alien – the vagina!
Scene 1:
Location 1: A Public Clinic somewhere in Las Pinas
This happened during my short stint as a medical representative for some Pharma company. I was assigned to call on an OB-GYN who is currently the clinic’s resident OB-GYN. Since it was my first time there I still don’t know my way inside the clinic. So on my way to her office I crossed a corridor that traversed the length of check-up rooms divided only by hospital curtains. Since I wasn’t so sure where exactly her office was, I had to open each curtain of every “room” to check if the doctor was there. Call it sixth sense of what, but one curtain was beckoning me to come nearer and invisibly asked me to open it. Of course I did. SHIT! Was all I can say. Inside, an obviously pregnant woman, both her feet up in stirrups and her very pregnant vagina displayed for the entire world to see!
Moral: Not all doors should be opened. Monsters might be lurking at the other side of it.
Location 2: Tops, Nivel Hills Cebu
Hitchhiking was one pastime that I share with some of my close friends. So we hitchhiked until we got to Tops, a spot in Nivel Hills. After we got tired of the place, we slowly hiked our way down since it was still safe, it was still around 4 PM anyway. My friend Venus, who is a serial pisser (someone who has the urge to piss on places where there are no CR’s around), decided to pee behind some bushes. So I went across the road, lest I see her vagina hissing with pee, where a jeep was parked. While I was waiting for her I dropped something on the ground. While I bent down to pick it up, it rolled under the jeep so I had to go down lower to reach for it. At my eye-level, just across the thing that dropped out of my hand was a picture perfect of a raggedy old vagina peeing madly! Apparently, the jeep stopped so the old lady can pee. And yep the fuck she did!
Moral: If you drop something, and it rolls under a jeep, accept the fact that it isn’t yours to being with.
Location 3: Bangkerohan, Davao City
This is not a vagina tale but just as scary.
We went to Bangkerohan to buy fruits just before going to the airport. Since I don’t intend to buy a truckload of pomelo, I opted to wait for my companions inside the cab. While I was playing with my phone someone knocked on the window. Lo and behold! When I turned to face the window, a beggar breastfeeding her child was perfectly framed by the car window. I swear to God, if not for the glass partition, my mouth could’ve landed directly at her tits for they were just a few centimeters away from my face!
Moral: Don’t go to Bangkerohan to buy fruits!
After these encounters, I just wish I could curl up in a fetal position and recite this a thousand times: happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts….
Scene 1:
Location 1: A Public Clinic somewhere in Las Pinas
This happened during my short stint as a medical representative for some Pharma company. I was assigned to call on an OB-GYN who is currently the clinic’s resident OB-GYN. Since it was my first time there I still don’t know my way inside the clinic. So on my way to her office I crossed a corridor that traversed the length of check-up rooms divided only by hospital curtains. Since I wasn’t so sure where exactly her office was, I had to open each curtain of every “room” to check if the doctor was there. Call it sixth sense of what, but one curtain was beckoning me to come nearer and invisibly asked me to open it. Of course I did. SHIT! Was all I can say. Inside, an obviously pregnant woman, both her feet up in stirrups and her very pregnant vagina displayed for the entire world to see!
Moral: Not all doors should be opened. Monsters might be lurking at the other side of it.
Location 2: Tops, Nivel Hills Cebu
Hitchhiking was one pastime that I share with some of my close friends. So we hitchhiked until we got to Tops, a spot in Nivel Hills. After we got tired of the place, we slowly hiked our way down since it was still safe, it was still around 4 PM anyway. My friend Venus, who is a serial pisser (someone who has the urge to piss on places where there are no CR’s around), decided to pee behind some bushes. So I went across the road, lest I see her vagina hissing with pee, where a jeep was parked. While I was waiting for her I dropped something on the ground. While I bent down to pick it up, it rolled under the jeep so I had to go down lower to reach for it. At my eye-level, just across the thing that dropped out of my hand was a picture perfect of a raggedy old vagina peeing madly! Apparently, the jeep stopped so the old lady can pee. And yep the fuck she did!
Moral: If you drop something, and it rolls under a jeep, accept the fact that it isn’t yours to being with.
Location 3: Bangkerohan, Davao City
This is not a vagina tale but just as scary.
We went to Bangkerohan to buy fruits just before going to the airport. Since I don’t intend to buy a truckload of pomelo, I opted to wait for my companions inside the cab. While I was playing with my phone someone knocked on the window. Lo and behold! When I turned to face the window, a beggar breastfeeding her child was perfectly framed by the car window. I swear to God, if not for the glass partition, my mouth could’ve landed directly at her tits for they were just a few centimeters away from my face!
Moral: Don’t go to Bangkerohan to buy fruits!
After these encounters, I just wish I could curl up in a fetal position and recite this a thousand times: happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts….
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Pinoy Posts
From my e-mail:
eh standeng pwede?
sabi ko sayo mataray ang landlady natin eh!
kaya pala mamasa-masa si inday...
wow kakagutom!!
pilot: shit mayday!! mayday!! 
ay sayang, i'm thirsty pa naman
maam, who's duroy?
potah talaga tong si elvira, spa daw oh!
kaya, wet outside!!
nosebleed...
tamang tama kasya kotse ko dito..
wow parang ako.. sweet din..
expecto patronum!!!
nosebleed ulet...
nosebleed na naman...
exit pwede?
yes seeer!!!Soap Addict Part 2
From my last post, I’ve discussed the highlights of Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy. Here is the continuation:
Cashmere Mafia
Wow I don’t even know how to start this one. It doesn’t help that the story came from another book by Candace Bushnell, the brains behind Sex and the City. In the first place, I didn’t even care to finish Sex and the City, simply because I got tired of looking at SJP’s face. The stories became very immature, very unrealistic and veeery Carrie-centric (honestly, her character sucked so having stories revolve around her will likewise suck too). Besides, this was the time when TV series with much story depth were up, eg Lost, Desperate Housewives and even Heroes (which can sometimes lull me to sleep).
Ok back to the Cashmere. Hmm, well like the Sex, it has 4 characters with high-end vaginas. Lucy Liu plays Mia Mason a Publisher (I bet she’s the Carrie character here), Miranda Otto plays Juliet Draper a hotel executive (very reminiscent of Charlotte York but not as annoying), Frances O’Connor as Zoe Burden an Investment Executive juggling motherhood with work (hmmm sounds like Miranda) and Bonnie Sommerville as Caitln Dowd a Cosmetics Exec currently experimenting with her sexuality (grand slam Samantha!!).
Highlights:
1. Lucy Liu’s spunk is legendary; therefore it would have been easy to point out highlights of her character, but not so much here. I love here clothes here though. Ahh I remember something funny. It was when she made out with Zoe’s “manny” and she was caught by Zoe smeared lipstick and all.
2. For me, Juliet Draper’s role has more depth from the rest of the main cast. I think the highlight will have to be when she finally broke it off with her philandering serial liar husband.
Zoe’s highlight will have to be when she resigned right there and then right in front of everyone. I wish I could do that one!
3. Caitlin’s highlight – when she was having lunch with the lesbian friends of her current lesbo beau and she hit it off with a cute guy from the bar.
Lipstick Jungle
Highlights:
1. Lucy Liu’s spunk is legendary; therefore it would have been easy to point out highlights of her character, but not so much here. I love here clothes here though. Ahh I remember something funny. It was when she made out with Zoe’s “manny” and she was caught by Zoe smeared lipstick and all.
2. For me, Juliet Draper’s role has more depth from the rest of the main cast. I think the highlight will have to be when she finally broke it off with her philandering serial liar husband.
Zoe’s highlight will have to be when she resigned right there and then right in front of everyone. I wish I could do that one!
3. Caitlin’s highlight – when she was having lunch with the lesbian friends of her current lesbo beau and she hit it off with a cute guy from the bar.
Lipstick Jungle
This series is waay better than Cashmere. The characters have more depth and the show will never remind you of Sex and the City. It stars Brooke Shields as Wendy Healy a Film Studio Executive, Kim Reiver as Nico Reily a Publication Exec, and Lindsay Price as Victory Ford a Fashion Designer.
Highlights:
1. Wendy Healy’s highlights will have to be during the time when Janice Lasher, true to her name, came out to publish her unofficial biography as dictated by her ex-nanny. Janice Lasher is just as annoying and you can’t really help but sympathize with Wendy.
2. Nico Reily gets to have the steamy scenes here. She sleeps with hot Kirby Atwood (Robert Buckley) almost half her age. Kirby is falling in love with her, Nico almost fell but then her boring husband had a heart attack (not after the fact).
3. Victory Ford’s uber rich boyfriend is instrumental to her current life’s highlights. A quickie and a meal in Paris at Coco Chanel’s studio with the view of the Eiffel and dinner with friends in New York.
to be continued...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Pix that makes you go awwww
Got these from an e-mail:
dreaming of my little pony..
I'm not actually crying..
&%*$#@&%
dreaming of my little pony..
shit, I'm totally fucked!
nananaginip ng gising, nakatulala sa hangin...
I'm not actually crying.. 
&%*$#@&%
have.. to... go... work...
kotong coooppp!!!
boo!
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