Misadventures of a Silver Fly

My Past Writings

2011-01-08T21:51:00.002+08:00

Blood to Dust

Oh my mangled body as it juts through the transparent surface of my drenched clothing! My threads, drenched with the blood of my parents, my ancestors and my forefathers. My pallid skin, drenched in salty sweat as it fills all the crevasse and curvatures of my body. My sallow countenance, moist from tears that fell from my now unseeing eyes, crackled like a dry leaf blown to pieces by the wind. Unseeing eyes, that can no longer convey turmoil or ecstasy, will never enjoy the cornucopia of colors in the wind and shall never bare witness to the myriad vignettes of life, stares blankly forward, to the non-existent future. My hair, strewn, spread amidst the concrete where my head is juxtaposed to; lay stiff like dark ropes, rough ropes that could never hold anything together.

Oh cold wind! Bring along with you the memory of what it once was. In malicious mirth, slice into the deep angry red cuts of my wounds. Laugh unconscionably! Snigger with all your might! Howl with intense hilarity like a vicious animal! As loud as you might think it is, it will never stir me up for your ululation will fall into unhearing ears.

Oh gray dust! You materialized out from nowhere! As you kiss my eyes, feel the slowly drying tears that once dwelled in my eyelids. As you enter my nostrils, feel free to reach my heart; fill my hushed lungs with your presence. From outside, embrace me tightly until you hear my bones crackle with your magnitude.

Oh moonlight! Sing me a lullaby in perpetuity. Cradle me to sleep.

Starry Night

Last night, I plucked a couple of stars in the evening sky and stuffed them in my pocket. Who knows, time may come when I will need the company of the stars to join me in the celebration of my melancholy. They will be my guiding light if I decide to walk along the cobblestones towards the gazebo where I store my innermost desires. They will shine the same path if I decide to go back home. During the wakefulness of my nights, I worry sometimes. What if I run out of stars to pluck? Who will accompany me in paying tribute to my solitary existence? Are stars like trees, can they be made to grow in replacement of the others that I took? I just hope that I won’t live for a million years; I would prefer the paucity of happiness than the scarcity of stars.

As I lament the celebration of my seclusion, I felt the stillness of the night weep in silent resonance. Its sob was the hushed wind that blew my tears away. My tears together with the night’s was the mist fogging my vision as I stare forward, looking on as the story of my life slowly unfolds.

From the sky above, the stars shone brightly and from its corner, one drops from the precipice into the horizon.

Entreaty to the Sun

As the burning coals of my hatred bare witness to my fervent supplications in summoning the heavens to open their gates and listen to my plea, I raise up my hands while I kneel before you Oh Most Powerful Lord of the Sun! Take away my eye sight with the intensity of your luminescence! Let me hear nothing but your persistent clamor for singeing hearts that were frozen with apathy and non-existentialism! Rip off my tender limbs as you set the dark macabre labyrinths of my soul ablaze! Breathe in my ashes as I soar up to be one with you; let me be your penumbra when you wish to rest.

Allow my tears to flow freely; let the valley of despair be washed away, further away until they can’t inflict themselves to anyone, besmudging otherwise virginal spirits. Allow the deafening intensity of my weeping to rumble unto vast plains and break through adamant mountains. Send in your great blasts of fireballs and pulverize granites into embers; let them be conveyed by the wind.

Oh Great Wind! Carry me in your immense shoulders towards the Sun. May the parched lips of my countenance be the receptacle for the never-ending inferno of your visage. Let my widespread arms catch your inevitable blaze for the entire world to see.

Oh Most Powerful Lord of the Sun I entreat you my deepest supplications. Take me with you!

Reverberations

Tap… Tap… Tap…
You here the resonance of leather as it touched wood. Or was it rubber as it touched cement? Whatever!, you say. You can hear it clearly as you hear the rumblings of your heart.

Thud… Thud… Thud…
Every beat bounces back and beyond within the empty walls of your chest, echoing within the labyrinths of your soul. You clench your chest with your fists pounding on it like rocks fitfully slammed against a wall, half wishing for the beating to stop, half hoping for the beating to perpetually go on. You gulped mouthfuls of air until your chest aches. Until you hear the resonance of the leather pouncing on wood gradually increase its sound before you realize they were your own.

Whoosh… Whoosh… Whoosh…
The wind mocks you as it laughed in malicious mirth as you ran away from it. No one can ever outrun me!, it says. But you ran nonetheless and the wind chased you slapping your face and slamming itself unto the entirety of your body. The great wind reached its arms and grabbed twigs, branches, and small stones and threw them at you. The sky will never be as blue as your bruises and the autumn soil will never be as red as your blood. And suddenly…

Aaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaa…………..
You dropped to your knees and covered your ears with your soiled hands pleading for anyone who can hear to stop such ululation. You bent over, almost kissing the soil, cradled your head in between your legs and beseeched to anyone to stop such noise but it grew louder. Louder still.. Yet louder until you feel your head about to explode and it stopped… No resonance of leather on wood or rubber on cement… No incessant thudding of the heart… Not even the malicious laughter of the wind… Even the crippling scream ceased to exist…

And you thought solitude was peaceful…

I'm Baaack

2009-09-16T21:39:00.001+08:00

I currently have a new netbook, so hopefully, I'll regularly do this...

I've come to realize that.... (from facebook)

2009-05-15T09:20:00.002+08:00

1. I've come to realize that my boobs...
is ginormous like the rest of me...
2. I've come to realize that my job...
sucks...
3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
oh shit I miss driving...
4. I've come to realize that I need...
a new job that doesn’t necessarily start with blow...
5. I've come to realize that I've lost..
my thunder.. thunder, thunder where art though thunder??
6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I’m expected to do shit that I really hate...
7. I've come to realize that the person I like...
is still out there... like, like, where art though like? (haha sorry can’t get enuf of this Shakespeare shit
8. I've come to realize that money...
is as important as food and water!
9. I've come to realize that people...
are sometimes there to play with when ur bored...
10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...
a part of you, I’m part of you indefinitely, boy don’t you know, I can’t escape you oh darling cuz I’ll always be your baby
12. I've come to realize that my mom...
is the best...
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
needs updating but me no money so no puwede…
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
I heard a bit of wheezing and I saw a girl beside me!! It’s Odyssa!! Hahaha
15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
Odyssa and I had some serious libak over Dioensia haha....
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...
what movie to watch later...
17. I've come to realize that my dad...
will always be here with me, like one big fat scar, ugly but permanent (haha kidding pa)...
18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
It’s time for me to live to my fantasy – to be normal!
19. I've come to realize that today...
is just like those days, starts with coffee but still ends up being sleepy...
20. I've come to realize that tonight...
I celebrate my love for you...
21. I've come to realize that tomorrow will be...
hopefully an extraordinary day!
22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
be a Hollywood character actor...
24. I've come to realize that life...
is not at all that bad my friend hmmm...
25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
is the start of yet another grueling week grrr
26. I've come to realize that my ex...
is like a pimple, its recurring and a pain in the ass when it does
27. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is the gurgling sound of my worst enemy when I chokehold his neck...
28. I've come to realize that my friends...
are the best shit that dropped from the heavens right-smacked at my face...
29.I've come to realize that the past year (2008)...
was a total waste of time..
30. I've come to realize that the last person i kissed...
secret...
31. I've come to realize that when people walk out of my life..
then they shouldn’t come running and knocking at my door when they want to those sons of bitches!

TOP TEN CR DECORUM FOR GUYS

2009-03-17T14:05:00.002+08:00

1. Don’t answer your phone while pissing. Surely your phone call can wait. The caller on the end doesn’t have to hear the sound of your piss.

2. Try to refrain from farting when there are other guys inside. It’s hard to control fits of giggles when hearing it.

3. If it so happen that you accidentally farted, don’t say “oops” like you dropped something or “uy” like you just saw your bestfriend for a long time.

4. Don’t engage into conversation, someone who is still pissing.

5. Don’t engage into conversation, someone who is still pissing while you are also pissing.

6. When taking a crap, mask the possible disgusting sound by pressing the toilet flusher.

7. If you are such a mammoth of a man and reaching behind for the flusher is impossible, then try coughing at the exact time your shit is going to explode.

8. Don't shake each other's hands in the CR, its disgusting.

9. Don't repaint the CR walls with booger.

10. Always flush the toilet after you use it you gross piece of shit!

Tatoo or three

2009-03-12T12:03:00.006+08:00

I am seriously considering getting a tattoo! Here are my design options so far:

some calligraphy

my star sign - Taurus

another version of Taurus

angel wings

CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Top 20 HAHAHAHA-pennings last weekend

2009-03-09T14:03:00.000+08:00

By the way 20 napud para lahi. 20 akong edad and hopefully akong waist.
(Balik-balik ang mga cast ha)

1. Linguistic prowess ni Venus. Example - AmNEsia, eleBEtor, CHree hahahaha.

2. Mayang and me naka-discover nga hugawan jud ang mga taga UP tungod sa kasilyas nga overflowing ug chocolate madness!! yum!

3. ANG PAGKARATOL NI ODYSSA HAHAHAHA.

4. Kadtong tuparan unta nako si XAR paghigda. haha (Sol kung di naka, keri ra nako ako nalang hahaha joke ra ha).

5. Picture picture sa MRT. with matching istorya sa mga Manilenyos in Venus accent - Hindi kami mga taga-Cebu taga Masbate mi. Grabe ang signal talaga dito ma-wa-wa.

6. Pag plot unsa-on pag evict sa ubang bisita sa sala. Example, mag serve ug Ice Tea si Kim Kim, Mayang and Venus nga gawas ang mga yotoch.

7. (Balik ta kang ODY) Kadtong gipa-ilaila ni Sol si She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named na itatago natin sa pangalang Marivicky Barcelona kang XAR as GF ni Ody, hence please read number 3.

8. Pag-biga biga ni Venus sa hunk (or funk, kung pertaining sa iyang breath, matud pa ni Venus murag imburnal, or basin baya Nus imo ra to baba imong nasimhutan hahaha) nga Bisaya pud diay haskang ataya.

9. ”Stolen shot” kunohay sa nawng ni Venus with the hunk (pix to follow) from Fred nga dili na stolen kay ni-flash kaha!

10. Pasan ko ang daigdig starring Sharon Salonoy and Shane Alajar (hahaha ataya sa Sharon Salonoy oi) nga nahimong Fuck Train pag-apil sa mga Minor Casts namely Diyosa, aka me, and Aiza (nga Gretchen ug buhok) Susvilla.

11. Ang walay undang nga pag-ungkat sa mga pasts. Fred and Mark (Mark Philip Sandigan para sure lang ta kung kinsa nga Mark ang gihisgutan), Me and Derek, David Beckham, ug uban pa, Venus and Venus (hahaha), Sol and JMV (Jose Me Venecia hahahaha) nga natag-anan ni XAR kung unsa nga number-confident si Manong (Again, kung dili na ka Sol you know what to do hahaha and again joke lang), Mayang and (kinsa gani to Yang?).

12. (Balik ta sa MRT) Ang mga pangutana unsaon pag-paslak ang ticket sa paslakanan.

13. Again, ANG PAGKARATOL NI ODYSSA HAHAHAHA.

14. Ug dili jud ko kasabot kung nganong everytime magpanon ta unya mag-istorya ta naa jud mga Attentive!! Kana bitawng outsider nga mu eye-to-eye contact pa sa mga nag-istorya with matching tawa-tawa gamay kuwang nalang mu-apil ug share ug stories! Diba Nus?

15. Mga gross stuff like unsa’y lami sa Bilat (as per Venus mura daw’g Vetsin atay bantog ra mura kag irong boang nus hahaha), ang theory kung unsaon pagkahibaw sa asawa sa asawa ni Sharon Salonoy nga ni-exist si Sharon Salonoy (hahaha pangutana nalang Fred ha).

16. As usual winner gihapon ang Humba ni Venus (nga naa daw 3 ka versions, yati ra) nga matud pa ni Gau ikog nalang ang gipalit kay Saysinta ra ang kilo.

17. Ang never-ending chika about sa tanan nga mga nanghitabo sa High School. Kadtong time nga taas pa ang buhok ni Venus unya magpanty pa, kadtong NANIKAS ANG GONZALES SA RADIO QUIZ (mga animal pwerte pa namong gu-ola kay na-disquyalify mi haha), ug super daghan pa (kapoy’g type).

18. Kadtong naka-idea si Venus nga mag partner-partner ang mga tawo unya si Mayang ang camerawoman unya akong pares si Al, but it turned out naa diay past si Mayang kang Al, so ako nalang ang cameraman yawa oi.

19. ANG PAGKARATOL NA PUD NI ODY HAHAHA. (Sorry Princess Odyssa Punzalan ha, di jud mi ka get-over adto oi).

20. Dah wa nako’y mahindumang lain. Ka-boring adto nga weekend oi hahaha. Labyu guys! Na-miss na ta mo dayon, balik niya mo ngari Open Arms and Legs ko as usual. Pero ayaw lang dayon next month, kay as I’ve said shet nahutdan na ta ug mga chika wala na tay isturyahan unya! Thanks a lot for more bee lot!!

25 Things About Me

2009-02-25T12:16:00.002+08:00

1. I easily get bored.
2. I’m the biggest procrastinator in the whole world.
3. I don’t understand budgeting.
4. My mind automatically shuts off when I look at numbers.
5. I love to daydream.
6. I enjoy slapstick and Tagalog movies (limited to teeny bopper and romance only).
7. I’m addicted to pasta and eggplants.
8. We are professionals, yet we are still dirt poor.
9. My dream is to publish my own literary works.
10. I can only count my blood relatives that I care about.
11. I call in sick even if I’m not.
12. It may not be obvious, but I’m actually very gullible.
13. I pray fervently but I don’t go to church.
14. I always have a soft spot for child beggars.
15. I sometimes sneak into a movie theater in the middle of a workday.
16. I’ve been dieting and trying to lose weight for 5 years.
17. I always fantasize about my significant other betraying me.
18. I can always tell the “real” aspect of a person when I first meet him/her.
19. Sometimes I really enjoy going out alone.
20. I will choose my friends over my relatives.
21. I am always misunderstood, and I always don’t give a shit.
22. I love to be the center of attention; I’m the biggest KSP ever.
23. My ultimate career goal is to be an expat even of an obscure country.
24. I am obsessed with Thailand.
25. When I was a kid, I wished to be an astronaut when I grow up.

Top 25 Outrageous High School Happenings

2009-02-23T14:34:00.001+08:00

1. Pagbiga-biga sa Palarong Pambansa, 1st year (paging Mayenne hehehe).
2. The time nga gi-siyagitan ni Panfilo si Manivic ug tiguwang just because nahiwi ni Manivic ang armchair before Mdm. Gallo’s famous “I’ll inspect your rows..”
3. GARFIELDS!!! (Mga members, raise your hands!)
4. 1st year elocution contest: Si VALENTINO while naa sa stage nag-deliver sa iyang piece, nakatawa kay na-kuratan si JOSEPH KAROL TUMULAK niya.
5. Then pag 4th year, nihilak si JKT kay na-blockout siya tunga tunga sa Ang Huling Pahimakas.
6. Please supply kung kinsa’s nisulti ani: “UNSA MAN VENUS DILI NALANG JUD TA MAG-TAGAD ANI?” hahahaha
7. SUGARY PLANT (I forgot what the acronym stands for) and COGMO (Children of God and Marianita’s Organization).
8. Ang mga Sinco (sakto ba? Basta 2nd year) Boys nangihi sa likod sa locker kay mahadlok daw sila sa ungo. Peste this is fucking gross. Haha.
9. Remember the time, kadtong gigukod ni MARICOR si MANIVIC ug blackboard eraser while napuno ang face ni Maricor ug chalk? Hahaha
10. Si KARAAN!!!!
11. 4th year intrams: nasakpan ako, Fred ug Tonette ni Montano nga naligo sa uwan. Si Tonette niadto dayon sa likod sa locker naghilak-hilak with matching slide sa wall hahaha.
12. D Heart F. hehe
13. HAMAG!!!
14. 4th year Intrams: gi-ilad ni ODY si JESI nga gipatawag siya sa principal’s office.
15. Ang boang nga JESI nitu-o pud!
16. Meanwhile si ODY nagyaka sa grass while nag-hilak with matching ibut-ibot sa mga dahon.
17. 1st year Family Day Bingo: gi-ingan ni Tonette iya manghod “Ital imo mama ay (pointing at the mama of Celes May)”. Then naglagot si Ital gilabayan siya ug bato.
18. Ang na-igo kay mama ni GABUT haha.
19. Si Reggie nahimong escort ni Fritzie and nanguyab ni Sugar (karon mas guwapa pa siya ni Sugar).
20. Nag-boxing si Razhan ug Tonette and nag-karate si Gayle and (ambot unsa’y name adto).
21. Nag-away ang mga katawhan pag-3rd year tungod sa sayaw hahaha.
22. Madam Flores: EP AY DISKAS YU DONT LESEN EP AY GIB YU A TES YU KUMPLEN, NAW GIT WAN PURT SYET UP PIPAR WAN TU TRE!! Buhi pa kaya siya noh?
23. Whole Theater Arts Class nag-panun from Chem Lab to LEADER while tip-toing and peeking kung naa ba si Rabago. Ug sa dihang nakuratan tanan kay naa ra di-ay siya sa entrance ug ni-siyagit “Walang papasok kung hindi pa tapos ang mga invitations!”. Hahahahaha
24. Again Theater Arts class before mag-start ang Mime Presentation (bayot kayo ang title “Mima del Arte”) nagpanon while naka meimei ang mga fez sa office ni Rabago. “Miss miss sige na miss mag-start na ta…”
25. Kadtong mga nag-hire ug mga “inahan” after adtong robot robot incident. Unya safe na unta si Gabut, nikalit ug tunga iyang mama hahaha. Unya kadtong mga gi-hire nga inahan gipa-kaon ug siopao. Paging gaugau, mayang, etc

Patience is Not Just a Word

2009-02-13T11:53:00.002+08:00

You’re in a hurry to beat your 8:00 time-in but you’ve decided to grab your 1st caffeine of the day before clocking in. When you get inside the café, the queue is longer than usual. The chatty girls in front of you decide to update each other with their late night conquests while lagging the queue before them. The barista on the other side of the counter settles on handling orders like he is handling plutonium or something, slower than slow. Then when it’s finally your turn, the cash register gets stuck, you can’t believe why it has to happen to you. After a good 10 minutes (ironically, the sluggish barista was jolted from his sluggish reverie), you get your coffee and your change and you rush outside. Then it rains like it never rained for a decade.

You are wet in places that you never thought won’t get wet when it rains. You are 30 minutes late. People stare at you like you are some alien, and you hold yourself back from explaining to everyone that it just rained. (Of course, the minute you stepped inside your building the rain stopped). When you get to your desk (you’re not even seated yet), your phone is incessantly ringing. Uh-oh you’re Devil-of-a-Boss woke up at the wrong side of his bed (you remind yourself that he hasn’t woke up at the right side for 2 decades, the wrong side is practically the right one already!). You rush to his office still dripping wet, good thing that you’re Boss don’t seem to notice your wet look (and that your nipples are practically sticking out of your shirt) but then again, you may strip naked and he won’t still notice that you are. In between his long litanies of your incompetence, and tirades of how you-waste-precious-company-time-by-neglecting-deadlines-time-and-time-again, you are still poised, your lips forming a straight line. After what seemed to be a year, you went out of his hell-hole and dry yourself up. You see the time and it’s only 9 fucking 30!

In between answering e-mails and juggling Excel worksheets and Powerpoint presentations, you get a text message (well actually you half-shrieked because your phone is in vibrating mode and you forgot to get it out of your pocket). After ignoring the giggles from your officemates you read the message. Sorry 2 do this 2u thru txt, but I found sum1 else. Hope we can still be friends, though! That jack-ass, you thought (actually you half-shouted, cutting short the giggles). For a minute you try to grasp how that person looks like because weird enough you don’t remember this person’s face. You just gave up after looking at an old photo of you on your desk - the one where you got the award for Most Patient in fifth grade.

The One That Got Away and Other Horror Stories

2009-02-10T10:34:00.009+08:00

You will never ever forget the first time you met him. How could you, when you shared all of your firsts with him! You will never forget the goose bumps that materialized right after you saw him with a floral bouquet and a stuffed monkey for your birthday. Of course you have to bring the flowers to your office and string along your friends, saying that you have nowhere to put it in (of course you just want to rub it on their faces). Of course who will ever forget the embarrassment that you felt when he introduced you to his family! Forget that you became his family’s chauffer when they came for a visit, the fact that he was proud enough to let his mom know that you’re together is enough to make you giddy for a week (of course you can’t wait to tell all your friends). Most important of all, you will never forget the steamy sex that you always have any time of the day and it sure will last forever, or so you thought.

You will never forget the first time you caught him cheating on you. You were in bed, he was taking a bath. He left his phone and of course it’s like an open invitation for you to check it out. You beat yourself shitless when you saw indiscreet messages from more than one person. You berate whether you need to confront him about it or not. But you don’t want him to leave you lest he'll think that you’ve turned into a whiner. But your pride just won’t let it go without a fight. So you get the phone numbers of the people he was fucking behind your back. You vowed to get back on his cheating ass by having sex with these same people then a few others indiscriminately. You eventually get tired of it.

And he tells you he’s in love with you, and everything doesn’t matter at all.

But you can’t understand why everything abruptly changed. He doesn’t hang out at your house anymore. He has a lot of excuses when you invite him for dinner, movie or whatnot. And it has been a month since you both had sex. Of course the inquisitor in you has to ask him why. His answer left you bewildered – “My respect for you transcended beyond carnal feelings already”. Of course you obviously know its crap. You vowed to win him back by inviting him and his friends to your house on Christmas Eve. You cooked for 7 hours straight, you turned your house upside down, heck you even bought a new table! You fetched him and his friends at their place, fed them and sent them back home. When the two of you were left in your car, he kissed you on your cheek while thanking you. And you inadvertently blurted out “I Love You”. And he just looked at you and smiled.

5 full days passed without hearing anything from him. By then your irritation and anger has already subsided. After 10 movies, 4 re-runs of Will and Grace, and 5 paintings, you got a text from him. “Sorry if I never texted. When you said that you love me, it got me thinking. You are really important in my life. But I am still confused. This is entirely my fault but I would like you to be my friend first, best friend if you will”... So this is how being heartbroken feels like, you thought. Funny but you kind of expected tears to fall incessantly with it, but they weren’t any. He wants to visit you and tries to bribe you with your favorite food. You held your ground and told him it was a bad idea. He said he was hurt, and you didn’t give a damn.

After one full month, you met him in person. He hugged you tight and told you sorry over and over again. You did not feel anything.

Flashback

2009-02-09T09:48:00.002+08:00

If you’re given the chance to go back to a certain part of your childhood, what will it be and why?

It’s the proverbial question that we always ask ourselves. Sometimes when we feel sad, or whenever we just feel like reminiscing. If I were to go back in time, I will choose my high school life. (Piping in – High School Life by Sharon Cuneta hehe). I guess I share this thing with most people – high school is the best period in one’s life, unless you were a loser then. I can’t ever imagine how I get by with a measly allowance, how I juggle my family drama with school and my extra-curricular activities. (Contrary to my father’s paranoia-which was the highlight of my high school life, I was never into drugs). I always cherish all the laughter and the memories that I shared with my friends then. Before the deadlines, anxiety pills, and conference meetings, me and my friends literally ran around (our school was blessed with vast football fields). If we get tired, we huddle while working our tongue muscles, while lambasting our favorite gossip topics. Whew, I will trade everything in my life now just so I’d be able to go back in high school and relive it.

So here’s to my high school barkada : Leah, Jessie, Mayang, Rhyme, Reggie, Fred, Francis, Ody, Venus, Bibi, Didi, Tonette, Lily, Jonaly, Limbee, Doris, Glenda, Brenda, Wani, Gayle, and the others – I miss you all guys!

The Last Few Months Were Pure Hell and Promises that I Wish to Commit to

2009-02-06T17:03:00.004+08:00

Wow what a year! I just sincerely hope that I won't tread on those same ugly paths again. I lost a few "friends", but true enough I've found the real ones. What a shame! I just oughta spent my time and money with them. It could've been worthwhile.

Anyway, I should stick with the title and shit:
1. I vow to write anything (un-edited in its purest form, unless it's lifted from a source) and regularly.
2. I vow to lose weight.
3. I vow to swear off carbs.
4. I vow not to make the same mistakes that I've been doing before.
5. I will read more.
6. I will travel more no, doesn't matter where.
7. I will save at least a thousand per payday.
8. I will get the job that I want.
9. I will have the best fuck ever!! hehe
10. I will accomplish this list!!!!!

(I'm sure these ramblings are very crude, I don't give a flying fuck.

Kawawang Bakla by John "Sweet" Lapuz

2008-10-02T18:24:00.000+08:00

Si Carol Dauden, na isang magaling aktres, at si Aiza Seguera, na mahusay na mang-aawit, ay umamin na—sila ay mga tomboy. Mukha naman silang masaya sa kanilang pag-amin. Mas naging malaya sila. Natanggap naman sila ng mga pamilya nila at mga kaibigan. Pero bakit ang mga bakla sa showbiz, isang damukal ang ayaw umamin. Yung iba, tumanda na, at yung iba naman, namatay na pero hindi umamin. Namatay nang nagtatago. Namatay nang hindi malaya. Kawawang bakla.

Sabi ng mga kaibigan kong tomboy, minsan daw, nakaka-get sila ng babaeng makaka-s*x nang hindi nila binabayaran. Para ding mga straight guys na minsan talk show lang at isang bote ng beer, confirmed na! Yung mga baklang mukhang babae at maganda, siguro nakaka-get ng libre, pero prangkahan na, yung iba hindi. Kahit mayaman ang bakla or sikat at powerful, pay pa din. Yung iba, hindi cash. Minsan, career or trabaho. Minsan, damit or rubber shoes. Basta, may kapalit pa rin. May mga kaibigan akong nagmamaganda. Mahal daw sila ng kanilang mga straight boyfriends. I asked them, “Try niyo nga huwag bigyan ‘yan ng allowance or work, tignan ko lang kung boyfriend mo pa ‘yan.” Ayaw naman nila i-try. Kawawang bakla.

Ang dami kong kilalang tomboy na ang girlfriend babaeng totoo ‘tapos tumagal ang relasyon. Sa mga bakla, ang tumatagal lang yung bakla sa baklang relasyon. Kawawang bakla.

Lima na ang kakilala kong baklang pinatay. Yung dalawa, ka-close ko pa. Nagkaroon tuloy ng chismis na baka may gay serial killer. Pero tomboy, walang masyadong pinapatay. Naisip ko, itong mga gay killers, they know na kaya nilang patayin ang mga kawawang bakla na biktima nila. Honestly, minsan naisip ko, kung meron kayang bakla na serial killer naman ng mga lalaki? Bongga, di ba? Pero mga salbahe lang ang pinapatay niya. Kaya lang ‘pag nahuli, kawawang bakla.

Parang boring ang kumalat na picture ng Mocha girls na naghahalikan. Pero kung member ng all-male group ang may kumalat na picture na naglalaplapan, kahit biruan lang din tulad ng sa Mocha, I’m sure-manicure- pedicure- kulot, hanggang next year ay headline ‘yon. Pagchi-chismisan sa beauty parlor, palengke, school, opisina, prisinto, at sa batis habang naglalaba. Kasi recently ko lang nalaman, na ‘pag dalawang babae pala ang naghalikan, natuturn-on ang mga lalaki. Pero ‘pag dalawang lalaki ang naghalikan, hindi naman natuturn-on ang mga babae, worst, nandidiri sila. Biased, di ba? Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang mga lalaki nambabae, sasabihin “macho.” Pero pag namakla, “kadiri.” Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang bakla mukhang babae, maganda. Pero ang babae pag mukang bakla, pangit. Hahaha. Kawawang bakla.

Eto, talagang totoo. Pag ang baklang pa-girl malaki ang nota, alaskado siya sa mga kaibigan niyang bakla. Ang tomboy na pamin pag matambok ang pechay, kaiinggitan ng mga kaibigan niyang tomboy. Suwerteng tomboy, kawawang bakla.

Ang dami kong kaibigang Filipino-Chinese na tomboy at accepted ng family nila. Ang dami kong kaibigang Filipino-Chinese na tagong bakla. Yung iba umamin na lang noong patay na ang tatay nila. Kawawang bakla.

Pag may dumaan na bakla, sumisigaw ang mga batang kalye ng, “Bakla! Bakla!” Pero parang hindi pa ako nakarinig na sumigaw sila ng, “Tomboy! Tomboy!” Kawawang bakla.
Ang mga baklang nakadamit-babae, posibleng mabastos pag pumasok sa C.R. ng boys. Pag ang tomboy pumasok sa C.R. ng girls, okay lang na nakadamit-lalaki. Hindi kaya dahil lalaki lang ang nambabastos? Kawawang bakla.

Nabanggit ko na ito dati. Ang dami kong nakikitang tomboy na may ka-holding hands na babae. May nakita na ba kayong baklang hinolding hands ng boyfriend niya? In public, ha. Kawawang bakla.

Yung isang kaibigan kong tomboy, tuwang-tuwa daw ang tatay niyang sundalo nang malamang tomboy siya. Yung kaibigan kong bakla, binugbog ng tatay na sundalo nang malamang bakla. Kaloka. Kawawang bakla.

Pag ang anak na lalaki or babae masama ang ugali, ang tawag “black sheep.” Pag bakla ang anak na masama ang ugali, ang tawag “salot.” May kaibigan nga ako na mabait naman, salot pa din ang turing ng pamilya. Maryosep, kawawang bakla.

Kadalasan ang lalaki, kapag nakikipag-break sa girlfriend nila, kasi may ibang babae. Kapag ang lalaki, nakikipag-break sa bakla, kasi may ibang bakla or babae. Heto ang kakaiba, may kaibigan akong bakla, iniwan siya ng jowa niya kasi nag-born again. Ang say ni bakla, “Anong palagay niya sa akin, demonyo?” Kawawang bakla.

Naging malaking issue nang tawagin ni Joey de Leon na “mukhang aswang” si Pokwang. Dahil siguro magkatapat sila ng show. Sabi ni Willie Revillame, kawawa naman daw ang anak ni Pokwang kasi tinutukso sa school. Naisip ko lang, kung bakla ang co-host sa Wowowee at sinabihang “mukhang aswang” ni Joey, masasabi rin kaya ni Willie na kawawa naman ang mga pamangkin ni bakla kasi tinutukso sa school? Ano sa sa plagay niyo? Sana naman…Kasi ‘pag hindi, kawawa si bakla.

May mga artistang babae at lalaki na pangit na, wala pang laman ang utak. Itsura pa lang kasi, nakakatawa na. Ang mga baklang pangit, kailangan medyo witty at matalino. Kung hindi, kawawa kang bakla ka.

Ang batang lalaki ‘pag kumikendeng, sasabihin “bakla paglaki.” ‘Pag ang batang babae, macho kumilos, sasabihin ay “boyish” lang. Kawawang baklita.

Ang mga babae tuwang-tuwa ‘pag pumupunta sa gay bar. Ang mga bakla, kawawa sa pandidiri ‘pag pumunta sa girlie bar. Sure ako diyan. Sinama ako dati ng mga kaibigan kong lalaki, awang-awa ako sa sarili ko. Huhuhu.

Nakakatawa pero nakakasad yung joke na ito (buti na lang joke):

PARI: Ang mga bakla ay hindi makakapasok sa langit.

BAKLA: Ok lang ‘yon Father. Doon na lang kami sa Rainbow, magslide-slide.

Which made me think. Ang mga bakla lang ang makakaisip ng ganoon. Hindi na papasukin sa langit pero nakuha pang mag-taray at lumigaya sa pag-slide sa rainbow.

Dito sa Pilipinas, sa Quezon City na lang, tabi-tabi ang gay bar. Lesbian bar, may nakita ka na?

Alam niyo ba na may mga spa at massage parlor na para lang sa mga bakla? Bongga!

Walang baklang istambay. As in pang lalaki lang ang word na ‘yan. Yun nga lang, may baklang pusher at bugaw pero may trabaho pa din. Bihira ang baklang holdaper. Yung kumukuha na lang ng hindi kanila. May na-meet na akong baklang snatcher at akyat-bahay, at least, nag-effort muna sa pagtakbo at pag-akyat. Hahaha.

Ang word na “pink peso” ay dedicated daw sa pera na kinikita at ginagastos ng mga bakla.
Madami daw bakla sa call center na pinapayagang mag-boses babae kasi boses babae talaga. I doubt kung madaming tomboy ang boses lalaki. Aminin.

May kaibigan akong tomboy na nag-commit ng suicide after iwan ng girlfriend. Ang mga bakla ‘pag iniwan ng jowa, mababaliw lang—iiyak…mag- e-emote…magkukulong sa kwarto…magluluto… magpapa-parlor…’tapos may jowa na ulit. Taray! I should know.

Mas madaming bakla ang nanalo sa mga make-up at hair style competition. Oo naman.
Ang mga bakla, may taste. Pag sinabi naming pangit, pangit talaga ‘yon. Pero pag sinabi naming maganda, ay maganda talaga ‘yon. May kaibigan akong lalaki. May pina-date sa akin na barkada daw niyang guwapo. Sa barkada nila, ‘yon daw ang pinaka-guwapo. Nang makita ko, ang naisip ko lang, “Diyos ko po! Ano pa itsura ng pangit sa barkada nila?” May barkada naman akong babae. Pinakilala sa akin yung manliligaw niya. Super guwapo daw. Pucha, pagkakita ko, napa-C.R. ako.

Ang mga bakla, masaya kasama. Maingay, nakakatawa at hindi boring.

Come to think of it. Hindi rin pala kami masyadong kawawa. Mga bakla, tara na sa Rainbow at mag-slide-slide in this particular order:

RED- Mga baklang pa-girl, operada at mukhang babae. Go, mga sisters!

ORANGE- Mga batang bakla. Slide na, mga anak!

GREEN- Mga paminta, mukhang lalaki. Slide na, mga pare!

YELLOW- Mga baklang may asawa at anak. You deserved to be happy. Slide na!

VIOLET- Mga baklang bisexual, dito kayo kasi alanganing red, alanganing blue. Go!

INDIGO- Mga baklang Diva at Mama. Halina mga sisters. Mama Ricky, kapit lang po mabuti. Sunod na po ako in a while.

BLUE- Mga baklang tago at ayaw umamin, dito kayo. Kahit hindi kayo umaamin, may karapatan din kayong mag-slide sa rainbow natin. Ingat lang sa pagtili at baka mabuking. Diyan kayo sa dulo para hindi mahalata ng bayan na nakikipaglaro kayo sa amin. Don’t worry, we understand. Alam ko, kawawa din kayo. Sssshhhh….

The Wonderful World of Filipinized Reality TV (Part 2)

2008-09-22T17:32:00.002+08:00

Hi Kids! Last time I presented my personal Filipinized Reality TV shows that I deem revolting. Revolting as in yech-I-just-vomited-in-my-mouth. As I’ve said, I have three categories to classify these shows. Revolting, Undecided, and Riveting. Since Revolting was done and over with, here comes Undecided.

Undecided (Gray area. I can’t quite place my feelings of whether I love or hate these shows).

Project Runway Philippines

Of course like all men raised well, I love the original Project Runway brouhaha. Putting a group of highly creative individuals in a controlled setting will likely lead to surprise endings, and not to mention catfights. Since I love the show so much, ergo it will follow that I will love the Filipino version of it. Yeah, sometimes.

What I love about the show:

Filipino creativity and ingenuity is always fun to watch. No matter what the adversary is, we will always see the light at the end of the tunnel, the sun beyond clouds, and whatever bullshit that symbolizes winning over adversaries. We can be likened to cockroaches that refuse to die even after trampled upon. Hahaha. The show is also a very good venue for additional proof that we Filipinos are really very much ready to have air kisses with the likes of the oddly grotesque Donnatella Versace, the flamboyant and colorful Donna Karan, and all the other internationally known names in fashion.

The show was really very religious to the US concept, a facet that is very important to earn credibility points. Of course since we don’t have the caliber of a German international top model as versatile and hot as Heidi Klum, we have to make do of what we have.

What I hate about the show:

For a show that is majorly comprised of gay designers, the show isn’t gay enough. It’s as stiff as a morning woodie! Send in the drama! Bring in the tears and catfights! Also, it is very unforgivable for me to dismiss our local dialects. If talking in English causes nosebleed to the talker, by all means, talk in the vernacular, or write it down, or do sign languages! It’s very hypocritical and very funny (in a sad way, talk about oxymorons!).

(I have a question. Could Joji Lloren be any gayer? Whenever I see him on-screen he reminds me of a Cirque de Soleil production, I dunno why.)

I can’t place my emotions about Teresa Herrera. She’s beautiful yes, but it feels like she’s wishing that she’d rather be somewhere else whenever she does her spiels. Her connection towards the contestants is akin to a boss housemaid relationship not host and contestant. It’s also sad that the partner magazine will have to be Mega. I mean, does anybody read that shit?

Philippines Next Top Model

Again, like all men raised well, I love the America’s Next Top Model, all seasons of it. (Although I’m pretty sure that most of the contestants are still the same outcasts even after their respective shows are off the air). Each episode is comprised of 5 soap operas combined in 1 show. Filipinos being suckers for drama, PNTM won’t surely disappoint, sometimes.

What I love about the show:

I love Wilam Doesnt. (I actually watch her talk show with Lucy. Without her, it’s like watching a lobotomized version of a Chinese cooking show aired during Sundays). Therefore, having her as a judge was a welcome treat. Robbie Carmona wasn’t bad either.

Again, the show was really very religious to the US concept, right from the lalalalalala tune during the opening credits to the usual Tyra Banks Spiel – you’re still in the running towards becoming America’s (Philippines’) Next Top Model.

The contestants were comprised of a yummy mix of personalities. A feisty statuesque lady from Cebu, a dark-skinned beauty from North Luzon (of course Wilma’s favorite, at first) and some interspersing of Chinitas of various chinkyness.

What I hate about the show:

It’s shown in RPN 9, where no one really tunes in to. The reception was always very ludicrous (coming from someone with no TV production background).

Ruffa is sometimes hard to watch. If she was channeling Tyra, she’ll be tearing her hair-weaves in one strong pull. The lady from Preview magazine was actually better.

The commercial shoot that they had was extremely memorable. Not because it was so good. It was so bad it stenched until now.

to be continued...

The Wonderful World of Filipinized Reality TV (Part 1)

2008-09-18T18:47:00.003+08:00

Like everyone else who adores the boob tube, I lurve Reality TV. There’s something unexplainable about looking at the inane but intimate lives of strangers making them extremely riveting. There is a certain astute complexity in the way people that we normally regard as boring, could transform into superfluous creatures worthy of our time. Anyway, I compiled a list of Reality TV series that are based from a foreign franchise. I classified them as Revolting, Undecided and Riveting.

Revolting

Pinoy Idol

Yech. Millions of pesos down the drain.
Honestly, I am a big fan of GMA singing contests simply because they really can deliver! Shows such as piNOY POP SUPerstar have produced singers that are unequivocally world class. GMA clearly stepped on a faux pas on this one, hands down.

Where they were wrong-

Firstly, the premise of the singing competition Idol in itself is quite controversial. Though it is solely a singing competition, choosing the winners will really rely not necessarily on the basis of vocal abilities of a contestant but rather on his/her ability to garner viewer votes. Yeah one can say that ultimately, the show is looking for the next Pop Superstar but then again, on the merits of musicality, this is where the debacle usually starts.

Pinoy Idol is one big example. (Renaming the show to Pinoy Idol from last year’s Philippine Idol was actually a blessing in disguise. Those who joined last year’s competition won’t have to waft this year’s shit). First faux pas – the judges. Last year’s roster, with the exception of La Pilita, was actually great. Ryan Cayabyab is music fundamentals personified! Francis M on the other hand will always be a music icon of the Philippine Pop Culture. And now enters Ogie Alcasid, Jolina Magdangal, and Wyngard Tracy. Yeah Ogie is right on, being one of the best singer and songwriter in the PI, but taking in those other 2 as judges was like a prank gone bad. Jolina is cutesy in all fairness, but seeing her give advices to aspiring singers when she herself is not even close to being a good one is really very hard to swallow. I don’t hate her or anything but it could’ve been best if the show got a senior one (not necessarily age, e.q. Mamita) like Jaya or Kyla for example. Now the deal with Wyngard is just weird. I’m pretty sure he was just splotched in with the three to provide the “Simon Cowell” character. He is really unnecessary. If they wanted a true-blue bitch to earn for them the much coveted ratings, they could’ve asked Celia Rodriguez instead of this person. Again, I have nothing against him, since I don’t even know Wyngard, all my salivatory elocutions are based from my experiences as an avid watcher of the show, well if I actually have the stomach to listen to all performances. Second faux pas – the contestants. Considering that they did an over-publicized nationwide audition for Pinoy Idol, it would follow that they could’ve discovered the next best thing in music. WRONG! Yeah there were a couple of hits here and there but ultimately, I can’t give a shit about the top 12, my gosh 2 of them are “rockers” one hideous, the other gross, eew that’s all I can say. And lastly, of course as expected, since the show’s premise started flimsy, the ending would likewise be the same. Case in point – the winner, Gretchen from a wealthy family in Tacloban (I’m not insinuating that they probably bought truckloads of sim cards or anything) whose voice I can’t even remember.

PBB (Pinoy Big Brother)

Honestly, I was a big fan during the early episodes of Season 1. Whether we admit it or not, watching the show is like nursing our voyeuristic side. We secretly are very interested in spying the private lives of strangers. My interest greatly heightened when Sam Milby came in. I mean he was really gorgeous, prior to all gay accusations and whatnot, but then he still is even amidst all gossips. Anyway, my interest waned when the ABS CBN stigma came in. Aargh! If GMA7 is synonymous to Barok or Jologs, ABS CBN is the epitome of over-sensationalism; you know rubbing the “in” thing in front of your face until you get sick of it. It is common knowledge that they even sensationalize news. So as expected, when the show’s ratings kept on going up, they have to infuse in their sickening formula. First example, letting in all the tear-jerkers. There should at least be one crying session per episode. It’s alright if I’m watching a Judy Ann Santos soap, but heck it’s reality tv! Yeah crying everyday is pretty much a part of life… if there are cameras all around you! Second example – the tasks. Their tasks are so mundane I can’t even think straight. Let’s just say that if ever I was one of the housemates and I was given any one of their idiotic tasks, I will flick my middle finger in front of all 50 cameras, mouthing words that’ll eventually sound as a heart monitor during post editing. Third and last, the disembodied voice of “Kuya” is downright gut-wrenching, bowel inducing annoying. Again, if I were a housemate, and I hear kuya say Housemates… I’ll scream FUCK YOU!!!

to be continued...

Customer Care in 2020

2008-09-18T18:47:00.002+08:00

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ .. on......88986135610 2049998-45- 54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you callingfrom now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, howmuch will that cost?" Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. Thetotal is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit cardis over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 sinceOctober last year. That's not including the late payment charges onyour housing loan, > Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdrawsome cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you' ve reached yourdaily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can alwayscome and collect it on your motorcycle.. ."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registra tion number 1123..." Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you'realso diabetic.... ... " > Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987you were convicted of using abusive language on apoliceman... ?"
Customer: [Faints]

New Motivational Pictures

2008-09-16T11:55:00.005+08:00

Filipino Ingenuity

2008-09-08T09:36:00.001+08:00

New design for Speedo.....

Pampainit

2008-08-29T11:05:00.005+08:00

PAMPAINIT.......

PAMPAINIT TALAGA.......

PAMPAINIT NG ULO!!! HAHAHAHA

Tan - G A

2008-08-28T16:04:00.000+08:00

Juan and Pedro nag-text

Juan: Pedro pa pasaload naman ako ng 2 Pesos o.

(napasa na)

Juan: Thanks Pedro!

Pedro: O wag ka na mag-reply 2 pesos lang yan eh.

Juan: K

Resimay

2008-08-27T14:15:00.003+08:00

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the offiser job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.I'm lookin for a Jobb as a offiser but it musent be to complicaited.I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,BRYAN nikname Beefy

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:... Dear Bryan, It's OK sweety, we've got spell check. When can you start?

Viva Italia

2008-08-26T17:59:00.003+08:00

Il Primo Ministro ha preso mettendo le dita nel naso e lo mangiando.

Prime Minister caught picking his nose then eating it (his booger that is).

Mrs.

2008-08-22T18:01:00.002+08:00

I miss Bangkok.

I miss Grad School.

I miss working hard at work.

I miss being fit and thin.

I miss raunchy sex.

I miss being sexy.

I miss being the center of attention.

I miss being bitchy.

I miss the beach.

I miss the feeling of being really really happy.

One in a million shot

2008-08-21T10:07:00.002+08:00

Pinoy Branding

2008-08-15T08:32:00.003+08:00

1. Parlor in San Juan is named "Cut & Face"
2. Wholesaler of balut in Sto.Tomas, Batangas: "Starduck"
3. Fast food eatery in Nueva Ecija: "Violybee"
4. Internet cafe opened among squatters named "Cafe Pindot"
5. In Manila , there's a laundry named, "Summa Cum Laundry"
6. Petshop in Ortigas: "Pussies and Bitches"
7. A pet shop in Kamuning: "Pakita Mo Pet Mo"
8. Bakery: "Bread Pit"
9. Bank in Alabang: "Alabank"
10. Restaurant in Pampanga named, "Mekeni Rogers"
11. Restaurant in Pasig : "Johnny's Fried Chicken: The Fried of Marikina"
12. A boxing gym: "Blow Jab"
13. A tombstone maker in Antipolo: "Lito Lapida"
14. A copy center in Sikatuna Village called "Pakopya ni Edgar"
15. A beerhouse in Cavite called, "Chickpoint"
16. Laundromat in Sikatuna: " Star Wash : Attack of the Clothes"
17. Internet cafe in Taguig named, "n@kopi@"
18. Name of a kambingan, "Sa Goat Kita"
19. A salon somewhere, "Curl Up And Dye"
20. A lugawan in Sta. Maria, Bulacan: "Gee Congee"
21. A water refilling station in Dapitan named "Wa-Thirst"
22. A store selling feeds for chickens: "Robocock"
23. Shoe repair in Marikina : "Dr. Shoe-Bago"
24. Shoe repair store along Commonwealth, "SHOEPERMAN: We will HEEL you! save your SOLE, and even DYE for you!"
25. Petshop: "Petness First"
26. Flower shop: "Susan's Roses"
27. Taxicab: "Income Taxi"
28. A 2nd hand watch store: "2nd Time Around".
29. A squid stall in a wet market: "Pusit to the Limit"
30. A shrimp store: "Hipon Coming Back"
31. A gay lawyer's extension office: " Nota Republic"
32. A ceiling installer: "Kisame Street"
33. A car repair shop: "Bangga ka 'day?"
34. An aquatic pet store in Malolos: "Fish Be With You"
35. A fishball cart named, "Poke Poke"
36. A beauty salon: "Saudia Hairlines"
37. A bakery: "Anak Ng Tinapay"
38. A resto along Mayon road in Manila: "May Lisa Eatery"
39. Laundry shop: "Wash Your Problem"
40. This mobile massage business name isn't funny, but their slogan is: "Asian Mobile Massage Service: Massage only, God is watching"
41. Ice cream parlor: "Dila Lang Ang Katapat"
42. Chicharon store: "Chicha Hut"
43. Neighborhood pizza store: "Pizza Hot"
44. A fishball cart near UST: "Eat My Balls"
45. A barbershop in Cagayan de Oro: "Pinoy Big Barber"
46. A Resto: "The Last Supper"
47. A goto resto: "Goto Ko Pa!"
48. A peanut vendor's cart with a funny name: "Mani ni Papa"
49. A gym in Malolos: " Gaymann Fitness Center"
50. A Party needs business: "Balloon-Balloonan"
51. A Chinese restaurant in Pasig: "Lah-Fang"
52. A store selling fresh chicken, owned by woman named Dina: "Dina Fresh Chicken"
53. An actual bait and tackle shop in U.S.: "The Master Baiter"
54. Panaderia: "Trimonay Bakeshop"
55. Salon: "Hair Dot Comb"

Nosebleed Call Center Edition

2008-08-14T10:49:00.002+08:00

sad and funny at the same time hehe huhu...

Batman Superman

2008-08-04T18:32:00.002+08:00

AIRPORT SECURITY: What’s your name?
PASSENGER: Batman.
AS: Your real name, please.
P: My name IS Batman.
AS: Are you trying to be funny?! What’s your surname?
P: Superman.

Airport security handcuffs him & puts him in a locked security facility.

Then they checked his passport.........

Alien Encounters

2008-08-04T08:54:00.003+08:00

This is not the ordinary meeting of the third kind, though just as scary. This is from the hidden compartments of my memories stashed far away back. Anyway, this is a recollection of incidents when I met the scary creepy goose bumps-inducing vertical lipped alien – the vagina!

Scene 1:

Location 1: A Public Clinic somewhere in Las Pinas

This happened during my short stint as a medical representative for some Pharma company. I was assigned to call on an OB-GYN who is currently the clinic’s resident OB-GYN. Since it was my first time there I still don’t know my way inside the clinic. So on my way to her office I crossed a corridor that traversed the length of check-up rooms divided only by hospital curtains. Since I wasn’t so sure where exactly her office was, I had to open each curtain of every “room” to check if the doctor was there. Call it sixth sense of what, but one curtain was beckoning me to come nearer and invisibly asked me to open it. Of course I did. SHIT! Was all I can say. Inside, an obviously pregnant woman, both her feet up in stirrups and her very pregnant vagina displayed for the entire world to see!

Moral: Not all doors should be opened. Monsters might be lurking at the other side of it.

Location 2: Tops, Nivel Hills Cebu

Hitchhiking was one pastime that I share with some of my close friends. So we hitchhiked until we got to Tops, a spot in Nivel Hills. After we got tired of the place, we slowly hiked our way down since it was still safe, it was still around 4 PM anyway. My friend Venus, who is a serial pisser (someone who has the urge to piss on places where there are no CR’s around), decided to pee behind some bushes. So I went across the road, lest I see her vagina hissing with pee, where a jeep was parked. While I was waiting for her I dropped something on the ground. While I bent down to pick it up, it rolled under the jeep so I had to go down lower to reach for it. At my eye-level, just across the thing that dropped out of my hand was a picture perfect of a raggedy old vagina peeing madly! Apparently, the jeep stopped so the old lady can pee. And yep the fuck she did!

Moral: If you drop something, and it rolls under a jeep, accept the fact that it isn’t yours to being with.

Location 3: Bangkerohan, Davao City

This is not a vagina tale but just as scary.
We went to Bangkerohan to buy fruits just before going to the airport. Since I don’t intend to buy a truckload of pomelo, I opted to wait for my companions inside the cab. While I was playing with my phone someone knocked on the window. Lo and behold! When I turned to face the window, a beggar breastfeeding her child was perfectly framed by the car window. I swear to God, if not for the glass partition, my mouth could’ve landed directly at her tits for they were just a few centimeters away from my face!

Moral: Don’t go to Bangkerohan to buy fruits!

After these encounters, I just wish I could curl up in a fetal position and recite this a thousand times: happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts….

The first Metrosexual

2008-07-31T17:51:00.003+08:00

hahahaha

Pinoy Posts

2008-07-30T08:53:00.007+08:00

From my e-mail:

eh standeng pwede?

sabi ko sayo mataray ang landlady natin eh!

kaya pala mamasa-masa si inday...

wow kakagutom!!

pilot: shit mayday!! mayday!!

ay sayang, i'm thirsty pa naman

maam, who's duroy?

potah talaga tong si elvira, spa daw oh!

kaya, wet outside!!

nosebleed...

tamang tama kasya kotse ko dito..

wow parang ako.. sweet din..

expecto patronum!!!

nosebleed ulet...

nosebleed na naman...

exit pwede?

yes seeer!!!

Soap Addict Part 2

2008-07-30T08:42:00.002+08:00

From my last post, I’ve discussed the highlights of Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy. Here is the continuation:

Cashmere Mafia

Wow I don’t even know how to start this one. It doesn’t help that the story came from another book by Candace Bushnell, the brains behind Sex and the City. In the first place, I didn’t even care to finish Sex and the City, simply because I got tired of looking at SJP’s face. The stories became very immature, very unrealistic and veeery Carrie-centric (honestly, her character sucked so having stories revolve around her will likewise suck too). Besides, this was the time when TV series with much story depth were up, eg Lost, Desperate Housewives and even Heroes (which can sometimes lull me to sleep).

Ok back to the Cashmere. Hmm, well like the Sex, it has 4 characters with high-end vaginas. Lucy Liu plays Mia Mason a Publisher (I bet she’s the Carrie character here), Miranda Otto plays Juliet Draper a hotel executive (very reminiscent of Charlotte York but not as annoying), Frances O’Connor as Zoe Burden an Investment Executive juggling motherhood with work (hmmm sounds like Miranda) and Bonnie Sommerville as Caitln Dowd a Cosmetics Exec currently experimenting with her sexuality (grand slam Samantha!!).

Highlights:
1. Lucy Liu’s spunk is legendary; therefore it would have been easy to point out highlights of her character, but not so much here. I love here clothes here though. Ahh I remember something funny. It was when she made out with Zoe’s “manny” and she was caught by Zoe smeared lipstick and all.
2. For me, Juliet Draper’s role has more depth from the rest of the main cast. I think the highlight will have to be when she finally broke it off with her philandering serial liar husband.
Zoe’s highlight will have to be when she resigned right there and then right in front of everyone. I wish I could do that one!
3. Caitlin’s highlight – when she was having lunch with the lesbian friends of her current lesbo beau and she hit it off with a cute guy from the bar.

Lipstick Jungle

This series is waay better than Cashmere. The characters have more depth and the show will never remind you of Sex and the City. It stars Brooke Shields as Wendy Healy a Film Studio Executive, Kim Reiver as Nico Reily a Publication Exec, and Lindsay Price as Victory Ford a Fashion Designer.

Highlights:
1. Wendy Healy’s highlights will have to be during the time when Janice Lasher, true to her name, came out to publish her unofficial biography as dictated by her ex-nanny. Janice Lasher is just as annoying and you can’t really help but sympathize with Wendy.
2. Nico Reily gets to have the steamy scenes here. She sleeps with hot Kirby Atwood (Robert Buckley) almost half her age. Kirby is falling in love with her, Nico almost fell but then her boring husband had a heart attack (not after the fact).
3. Victory Ford’s uber rich boyfriend is instrumental to her current life’s highlights. A quickie and a meal in Paris at Coco Chanel’s studio with the view of the Eiffel and dinner with friends in New York.

to be continued...

Pix that makes you go awwww

2008-07-29T11:30:00.003+08:00

Got these from an e-mail:

dreaming of my little pony..

shit, I'm totally fucked!

nananaginip ng gising, nakatulala sa hangin...

I'm not actually crying..

&%*$#@&%

have.. to... go... work...
kotong coooppp!!!

boo!

Soap Addict Part 1

2008-07-29T08:32:00.005+08:00

Last week, I and my officemates went to Metrowalk for lunch. Of course, I have to pay my skuking DVD booth on the 2nd floor a visit. (I can imagine your placards coming out of nowhere emblazoned with the “No to Piracy!” sign). If it’s any consolation, I only buy TV series on DVD, logically cheaper compared to the original. Anyway, I bought the following:

1. Season 4 of Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy
2. Half seasons (much to my dismay) Lipstick Jungle and Cashmere Mafia
3. Will and Grace’s Debra Messing starrer, The Starter Wife and
4. The homo-erotic horror series, Dante’s Cove.

5. ANTM Season 10

In four days, I’ve finished Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, Lipstick Jungle, Cashmere Mafia, and ANTM. So here it goes:

Desperate Housewives
Ended with the future. Bree Hodge became a domestic diva ala-Martha Stewart, one of Lynette Scavo’s twins got arrested for a misdemeanor charge, Gabrielle Solis was seen running with an oriental toddler, clearly her adopted daughter and Susan Mayer was seen kissing someone, not his husband but a new character played by Gale Harold from Queer as Folk.

Highlights:
1. Gabby’s mayor husband died from a freak tornado accident. He then remarries her ex-husband Carlos before learning that he will never be seeing again (he is blind, got it?).
2. Bree van de Kamp met her equal in the character of Katherine Mayfair. Their one on one encounters are really very hilarious. Bree broke it off with Orson after learning that he was the one who ran over Mike Delfino by a car, almost killing him.
3. Lynette was finally cancer-free. One memorable moment was when she got high from the “brownies” given to her by her mother. H-I-larious!
4, Susan Mayer was still on her crazy and embarrassing elements. She is pregnant with Mike’s baby, of course.
5. Edie Britt after blackmailing Bree, is finally shut out from their clique. Of course, Edie being very an attention-whore was devastated.

Grey’s Anatomy
I love this season because it’s not proliferated with the tedious and sappy love affair of Meredith and Derek. Though it ended with the most cliché and corniest scene ever, with Derek and Meredith complete with hundreds of candles exchanged saliva of course after a barfing dialogue. As usual, Cristina Yang and Miranda Bailey were both super funny. Alex Karev’s dramatic side was displayed with the introduction of his love affair with Rebecca, remember the lady whose face was destroyed from a major pier accident?

Highlights:
1. George O’Malley and Callie Torres got married. They will later break up because of Izzie Stevens.
2. Callie Torres and Erica Hahn will torridly kiss during the last episodes. Obviously they’re both big old lesbos. Harhar.
3. Alex Karev’s breakdown scene with Izzie was really heart wrenching. He will be deeply emotionally involved with Rebecca while she is suffering from some psychological stuff.
4. Lexie Grey, Meredith’s half-sister is more interesting than Meredith.
5. Cristina Yang is the new nazi. She calls her interns by numbers not by their names.

to be continued...

Quest for that perfect job (preferably with no “blow” attached to it) Part 2

2008-07-24T14:30:00.002+08:00

I just came from yet another grueling recruitment process from a big liquor company. I took 5 crazy exams that honed the musculature of my fingers. (Wow how macho naman your fingers). I think the first one was to determine whether the applicant is a pervert who gets a hard-on everytime he sees someone that he desires (with questions such as, do you flirt with someone you are sexually attracted to?, crazy, I tell you). Or it may also want to determine whether I’m a professional free-loader (which I am at a point), bringing office supplies home for personal use (surely they won’t notice my obsession for paper clips?) and or playing computer games at company issued computers (or writing personal blogs during office hours!!! GUILTY!!!!!). The last exam had catapulted my eyebrows up to the penthouse! It was a fill in the blanks exam. One question : If I see a man and a woman together, I (then you supply the answer). WTF! Who cares?! Or another one : My sex life is (you supply the answer). I swear I could’ve added –none of your fucking business! Of course in the interest of being professional, I answered – a very private matter (notwithstanding the fact that I give a blow-by-blow, no pun intended, account to my friends). Another question was : I like my father but (then you fill in the blank). How about answering he’s a motherfuckin’ son of a bitch?

Anyway, I wrote this entry to diss some of the companies that I had bad experiences with specifically when it comes to recruitment. Of course, these are just my personal ramblings ha, this is not to judge any company entirely. Last time, I mentioned how I wasted my time and how I got an impromptu salivary shower from Nestle Philippines (Part 1). This time, I’ll be dissing Fonterra Brands, makers of Anchor and Anlene (remember the hideous commercial with Dina Bonnevie dancing together with middle aged women?). Anyway, here it goes. I took an entire day off so I can visit them with no hassles whatsoever. In fairness to them they were very courteous, it would be such a bummer meeting bitch receptionists, especially if they’re butt ugly. Since I’m currently at a mid-management position already, an achievement that I really worked hard for, I can safely assume that the companies that will invite me for job discussions will be offering me the same or higher positions, except of course if the company or the benefits offered (though for a lower position) are very spectacular. So imagine my dismay when I was offered a position that I have had years back. The HR lady has the audacity to ask me if it’s ok that what they’re offering me is lower from where I am at the moment. Of course affront I said sure no problem. I’m not that bastos naman. But deep inside I’m cursing Fuck I actually wasted gas and parking for this! Look, it’s not as if I’m acting like I’m high and mighty ok. All I’m saying is, so that we won’t waste each other’s time, HR people could at least READ my CV. I think its common sense to assume that a person, who has been handling a group already, doesn’t want to go back career-wise and report to a middle manager. Aargh. I swear I won’t let that happen to me again!

Blood to Dust

2008-07-24T14:06:00.002+08:00

Oh moonlight! Sing me a lullaby in perpetuity. Cradle me to sleep.

*dlas*

Starry Night

2008-07-22T09:32:00.002+08:00

From the sky above, the stars shone brightly and from its corner, one drops from the precipice into the horizon.

*dlas*

Homage to my chipmunk

2008-07-22T08:36:00.006+08:00

April 18, 2008. Exactly three months and four days ago, Fate was having a PMS and forgot to control her shit. Some constellation got sciatica resulting to misalignment of some of its stars. Probably the reason why we crossed paths!

I know I’m trying to mask it under the pretense of literary elocution even if the actual circumstances that made us meet was really due to ahem well, hmm how can I say this, cause we were both horny. That’s it! Hehe. No matter what the circumstance is all I can say is that, I am really very grateful that we’ve crossed paths! Well, beyond grateful because we’ve met during the lowest periods of my adult life. I was very used to making other people laugh so having someone that could really make me laugh from within is a nice change! To top it all of, you said that you like all of me. Wow kudos to you! Are you sure about that? Are you sure you like the following?

1. I could be very bitchy and you’ve seen it.
2. I swear a lot, in English, Tagalog, and Cebuano.
3. I hate exercise, hence the man boobs and the beer belly.
4. I can consume an entire bottle of red wine.

5. I always proclaim dieting but I always binge.
6. I can be very obnoxious without knowing it.
7. I sweat profusely like a whore in church.
8. And a lot more…

So, are you sure that you still like me? Hehe.
Thanks my cute chipmunk. No matter what happens, you will always be special to me.

Always.

Entreaty to the Sun

2008-07-21T09:35:00.001+08:00

*dlas*

A few of my favorite (50) things – in alphabetical order:

2008-07-21T09:24:00.001+08:00

1. 24
2. Alias
3. Baguio Ukay-ukay
4. Bangkok
5. Beaches
6. Binagol from Tacloban
7. Brokeback Mountain
8. Calamay from Bohol
9. Cebu Lechon
10. Chocolate Cake
11. Converse Shoes
12. Crème Brulee
13. Crime Shows
14. CSI Las Vegas
15. Curry
16. Del Monte Fit and Right
17. Desperate Housewives
18. Diego Clothing
19. Encantadia
20. Fisher Cheese Curls
21. Folded and Hung
22. Gabriel Garcia Marquez
23. Icings Cake
24. Jagermeister
25. Jessica Zafra
26. Jollibee Spaghetti
27. Kansi from Ilo-ilo
28. KFC (2 piece Hot and Crispy and Original Recipe)
29. Leche Flan
30. Lost
31. Maja Blanca (from Joph’s stepmom)
32. Maldita Man
33. Ngohiong from Cebu
34. Paulo Coelho
35. People are People
36. Pony shoes
37. Puerto Princesa
38. Red Horse
39. Regine Velasquez
40. Sagada Mt. Province
41. Sandals and slippers
42. Shawarma
43. Stolichnaya
44. Talong
45. The Manor, Camp John Hay
46. Topman
47. Ugly Betty
48. Videoke
49. Wade Shoes
50. Zagu

Reverberations

2008-07-18T15:19:00.001+08:00

Tap… Tap… Tap…
You here the resonance of leather as it touched wood. Or was it rubber as it touched cement? Whatever!, you say. You can hear it clearly as you hear the rumblings of your heart.

And you thought solitude was peaceful…

*dlas*

Quest for that perfect job (preferably with no "blow" attached to it) Part 1

2008-07-18T15:08:00.001+08:00

Current status: wallowing in deep-shit career non-existentialism. In simpler words, I want to fucking resign already! Therefore, I am actively pursuing the search that I had once been very wary of – job hunting. Sans idiocy, I am still currently connected with my current job, using company resources for all my application needs hehe. Anyway, suffice it to say, I have been to a lot, as in a LOT of interviews already. And I’ll be narrating all memorable ones (then your sarcastic shit will declare: of course you can only narrate stuff that you can only remember!!). I will be naming names if I my application’s status with them is already over. Aptly, I will be omitting stuff that I’m still considering to be in (of course, just to save my ass).

Deaf to the precautions from my bitch friend, I still tried applying for Nestle Philippines (my first name-drop hehe). My reasons were one, I am desperate, two, the office is just a stone throw away from Ateneo where I’m taking up my MBA, and three, it’s near from where I live. Anyway, I still did (obviously, this paragraph is a big hint). WTF! I waited in the lobby for an hour! If it weren’t for the sleeping guy across me who’s head kept on bobbing back and forth while I tried to stifle a laugh, I would have turned to ashes in annoyance. Not that I’m a diva or anything, 2 PM is 2 PM! Professionalism you guys! So after an hour, I was given some sheets to fill up and I took a Psychological exam while in the lobby. I probably failed that haha! Then I was called in for a meeting with the most hilarious person that I’ve ever met, of course I meant it in sarcastic drones. Do you know the most hilarious thing for me? Masking insecurities as bitchiness! So this HR person (who can’t even speak straight English) had the audacity to act bored while throwing questions with spittle on my direction! I swear I could’ve told her how bored I was during that exact moment!! I never thanked for the interview. Of course my phone never rang. Haha!

To be continued…

Top Ten Things that I Learned in Bangkok

2008-03-27T12:41:00.001+08:00

Having had the best week of my life in Bangkok, I’d like to share the top ten things that I learned in Bangkok (yeah, I just had to repeat the entire title of this friggin’ article).

1. Never assume that since Thais look like us we can easily understand each other.
If you’re a Filipino, that is – brownskin, pudgy nose, average height, curly hair (if you’re of Aeta descent); if you think otherwise, example you feel like you look mestiza already after a bottle of glutathione and a truck of papaya soap, then you live in a parallel world where you are alone (hahaha). Yeah, so back to Bangkok. Imagine talking to someone whose face is just like the faces that you see day in and out when you’re in the Philippines, but the moment they open their mouths a queer high pitched sing-song language poke your ears. Lo and behold, the Philippines really is the 3rd English speaking country in the world!
You can just imagine how a simple “How do we go to the train station?” would fare. It took us two hours to get an answer! Yeah, talk about a major nosebleed crisis! It was quite fun when I queued up in a Starbucks or a KFC and let them make their spiel in Thai and just smile up to them – then telling them my orders in fast English.
So the next time you want to extract information from a Thai national, these four words should serve your right - “Do you speak English?”

2. Authentic Thai cuisine can be classified into three – spicy, super spicy, and crazy spicy.
If you love spicy food so much, well, good for you, if not, good luck! Personally, it’s not that I hate spicy food. In fact I like it, but I can only eat anything spicy if I’m in an air-conditioned room that can suppress my sweat from pouring. So imagine my surprise when we looked for breakfast and what we saw was soups and porridges in large cauldrons with different shades of red. It was 6 in the morning and I’m drenched in sweat, tears welling up my eyes and the cafeteria lady sweetly told me that what I’m having was actually mild. I’m fucked! In fact, in my entire stay in Bangkok, my rectum was burning (hahaha).
Of course, not all Thai food are spicy, you dumb idiot. In fact, I love some of the street foods in Bangkok. I love their banana crepes, and Pad Thai, among others. It is there that I learned that I could never be a Food Adventurer, after my Bangkok experience, I thought I could eat anything, but once I saw various snacks ranging from hotdogs that smelled like feet, crickets, and cockroaches (they say these roaches are of a different genre from what we have in our houses, yeah that’s a relief, thank you very much haha) I had to rethink myself.

3. Bangkok Taxi Cabs are super cool.
You can never get tired of looking at Bangkok taxi cabs, unless you are color blind or just an old bore. Most cabbies there are in pastel colors – hot pink, neon yellow and metallic green; fun huh! Better still, ‘coz their fare is cheaper than ours. Although their flag down rate is 30 baht, their taxi meters run at 1 baht unlike ours that run at 2.50 pesos.
Frankly speaking, I am fed up with our taxi cabs here in Manila! Apart from riding in “Tetanus-on-wheels” (which we have no choice from since most cabbie drivers are picky – the nerve!), most cabs smells funky like a mixture of rags, sweat and feet (yum), and cab drivers here rounds off you’re total taxi fare. I always ask for change, I only give extra if the cab driver was good.

4. Even if you think that you are already dark enough, you can still go a shade darker than what you really are.
So I thought I’m golden brown already. Yeah yeah big deal. I thought sunscreen lotions are for lighter-skinned people only. Wrong. After spending a great deal under the hellish heat of the Sun, the dizzying and glaring golden- capped temples at the Grand Palace, and did I say that it was a gazillion degrees in Bangkok? Enough said.
Next time, always believe in the saying: Black is beautiful, but too much black is charcoal!

5. You can never get enough temples in Bangkok.
Since Thailand is predominantly a Buddhist country, of course you should expect a lot of temples, and Buddha relics or monuments in different poses – reclining Buddha, meditating Buddha, standing Buddha, etcetera etcetera. I’m not complaining though, I studied Buddhism in high school and I know how reverent the religion is. Here in the Philippines, the Buddha that we know of is the obese person with arms stretched up, laughing heartily and in different levels of disrobement. Of course, this is an entirely different Buddha.
What I noticed also is that most houses in Bangkok have elaborate bird seed thingies. These are like colorful bird-houses that are placed outside Thai houses. But then again I think they are like altars and such. Probably like some Filipino houses that have grottos of the Virgin Mary in their gardens. I’ll ask around when I go back to Bangkok.

6. When you’re in Pat Pong and a hussie promises you a “fucking show”, trust him, it IS a fucking show
WOW!! Pat Pong is crazy! It is best if you visit Pat Pong with friends, lest you go alone and be branded as sleazy. Of course bring your non-prude friends. Leave your prude friends behind unless you want to endure loud shrieks of “yuuuccckk”, and if you have enough restraint not to slap this friend’s face. You will typically be accosted by a hussie (hustler or pimp or whatever) bringing a menu-like thingie listing stuff like: Ping-pong shooting, Banana slicing, and bottle-opening, among others. Pretty normal eh? Then put vagina along each activity and you’d get my drift. I bet you won’t look at a bottle of soda the same way again!!

7. Bangkok is the new “tiangge” Mecca in Southeast Asia.
Chatuchak, Bangkok’s weekend market will excite those shopping mongers shitless. Those stuff from Greenhills will pale in comparison from the thousand square foot vast selection of clothes that you usually see in boutiques. What’s crazy is they cost waaay lower. Example, you can get swimsuits that’s almost like you got it from Nothing But Water for more than a quarter the price. The down-low of this one is that you won’t be able to buy anything anymore since you know that you can get cheaper stuff.
Actually, this cycle will be never-ending. You learn that clothes are very inexpensive in Bangkok. When in there, you’ll discover places cheaper than in Chatuchak. So and so forth, until you discover a place where you get ‘em for free.

8. Compared to what we have here, everything is grand in Bangkok.
We were so excited and haughty when SM’s Mall of Asia opened. Imagine my astonishment when I saw the malls in Bangkok! Going to Louis Vuitton in Greenbelt will involve plenty of foot power. In Bangkok, you just cross the street and there’s Louis in all its glory. (Of course this is an exaggeration, it’s not like as if it’s 7-11 you know. By the way, this doesn’t mean that I’m into Louis Vuitton and that entire shenanigan, I would like to elaborate on it but it will be a different blog altogether). But that’s just the malls…
Oh my god their Mc Donald’s fries are gigantic so as their large Coke! Our KFC is waay better than theirs, thank God, but I was so flabbergasted by their fries. Then again, this is a country who love elephants, so I guess it rubbed of to their potatoes or something. Speaking of elephants, it surely is grand! The biggest animal that we have here are carabaos or our local drunkards. Hmmm what else is grand? Well, one of their attractions is the Grand Palace, which will make our Malacanang Palace look like its bathroom.

9. Contrary to popular belief, a 30 minute elephant ride is scarier than a 50 ft roller coaster ride.
When I first saw an elephant, all I can think of is “Shit this is how I die”. Such monstrosity, although they seem docile especially if you picture Dumbo, could easily throw you a few meters with its trunk and could easily crush you with its hind leg. When in front of an elephant there will only be two expressions that you will be mumbling. Ooh and Aah. Ooh, when the elephant picks up a banana and eats it gingerly. Aah, when you get slapped by its trunk or it sneezes on you.
My elephant experience was obviously memorable. Notwithstanding the obvious facts stated above, it was an experience that I could only do once a year. The fact that I had a 12 year old boy as a “driver” never helped. The first half of the ride involves trudging under the hot sun in an open field while firmly gripping your seat, lest you fall and get trampled on by the elephant. The second half will make you invoke all known Saints and see your life play out in front of you. Memorable and miserable, just like the first time you fell in love hahaha.

10. No matter what, you will be coming back to Bangkok.
Enough said!

Of Dismantled Concrete Blocks and Four-Faced Shrines (Cambodia Sojourns)

2008-03-27T11:42:00.001+08:00

As I was staring into nothingness because of sheer professional boredom, I saw a vision. A woman clad in black skimpy shorts and tank top full of boobies and lips with an unnatural pout, rolled, crawled, catapulted and posed while carrying a gun on each hand. In a crazy British accent she shouted “Maddox!” – then I woke up from my midmorning stupor. I’ve realized that you are at the end of the spectrum of boredom when crazy visions play in front of you. So in perfect whimsical fashion, I’ve decided to go to Cambodia! (Of course the previous sentences are all farce; I just needed to write something as introduction haha).
So together with two of my close friends, Doris and Leah, we lugged our bags to the airport. Since this is the first time that I’ll be using my passport, albeit the first time I’m going out of the Philippines, I was really excited shitless. Of course I will momentarily miss our fascinating (barf) political situation, my very exciting work (bleech) and my landlady (aargh). It wasn’t my decision to go to Cambodia but Leah’s (Don’t ask me why) and Doris and her were industrious enough to plot out our travel itinerary for God help me I hate doing itineraries. Our original sole destination was Bangkok (thanks to Cebu Pacific everyone can fly; goddamit give me a discount already!!) but we’ve decided to sidetrack to Siem Reap Cambodia to see the Angkor. Personally I just want to be in two different countries in one trip. After almost 2 hours of flight delay (of course) and 3 hours of actual plane flight, we arrived at the Bangkok International Airport at 12 midnight, 1 AM Manila time. The airport itself was a surprise to me, I have to admit. I know NAIA is almost as old as Jose Rizal (or as the Angkor Wat itself) but I was frankly blown away with their airport. It was so vast, there are plenty of walkalators to the luggage carousel (of course I’ve never been to any International airports, so shut it). After we freshened up, we went to look for the exits.
Surprise, surprise! Thais aren’t really English fans. Asking a simple question like how do we get out of this lovely airport, will involve a lot of gesticulation and diagram-drawing. Talk about nosebleed galore! So after asking 2 airport guys, 2 airport officials and their boss, we’ve decided to go to the tourist information booth. At last, we met a cute guy from the limousine service booth (the information booth is scary because it was swarmed by salivating taxi and hotel reps waving their banners) who can understand and speak English. He told us that there is a free airport shuttle bus that goes outside the airport and back every 30 minutes. After a million thanks and a gazillion flirtations, we went out to look for that darn shuttle bus (note to self: next time, bring a mountaineer’s backpack instead of a humungous gym bag to prevent scoliosis). After almost being hassled by a scrupulous cab driver, the bus pulled up just in time. As vast as the inside of the airport was, the outside was a party of skywalks, roads, tunnels, time machines (haha), and whatnot. After 1 hour, the shuttle bus dropped us off to another bus terminal. From the itinerary lifted off from the internet, the quickest and safest way to Poi Pet, Cambodia’s border was to go to Aranyapathet, Thailand, then ride a tuktuk to the border. The problem at hand was how do we go to Aranyapathet? We spent almost 3 hours just asking anyone how, and found out that there were 2 options: by bus or by train. Although traveling by bus is faster for there are fewer stops, we have decided to take the train. We finally got the directions afterwards to the Hua Lamphong train station (Imagine my surprise when the people that I ask for directions don’t know what the word train means – I had to pump my arms and say choo choo only to realize that the last time I did that I have no puves yet haha). A bus and taxi ride worth around a total of 150 baht brought us to the train station. The Hua Lamphong train station was very quaint, almost reminiscent of Hogwarts. We bought train tickets to Aranyapathet; very cheap at 47 baht each. Since we have an hour to spend before the train sets off, we’ve decided to eat breakfast. Apparently Filipino breakfast will pale in comparison to a typical Thai breakfast. If we begin our day with 2 pieces of pan de sal (bread of salt) and taho (soy curd something), theirs are waaay different. Calling their stuff just porridge and soup is an understatement. Their soup was so spicy, I actually can hear my esophagus scream (and the sweet lady matter-of-factly told me that what I had was actually mild, I’m fucked). At 6:00 AM, the train was on its way to Aranyapathet, the train’s last stop.
After 6 hours, 25-30 stops, 3 piss breaks (imagine peeing at fast speeds), and a million naps we finally arrived in Aranyapathet. A tuktuk ride worth 50 baht (for the 3 of us) took us near the border. We searched for the Immigration office so we can get our visa. It was a good thing that there were a lot of precautions posted in the net regarding the manic rip-offs that were happening in the border. True enough, we almost were victimized - by police officers nothing less (I guess they were the police since they wore official uniforms). A cab driver, probably an accomplice, led us to a makeshift station where the officials gave us “free” visa cards. But for 1st timers we need to pay $30 each. That sonofabitch! Anyway, we were saved by another cab driver and he led us to the correct visa office. Guess what? Visa cards were just strewn on a table. After queuing up we started to look for the cab driver who helped us so he can bring us to Siem Reap. Since we can’t find him, we proceeded to look for other options. A man approached us and told us not to loiter around the plaza, it was off limits to tourists he said, (by the way, Cambodians are better English speakers than Thais). He then “whole-heartedly” brought us to an air-conditioned bus and promised to take us to a “taxi association”. Because of this I’ll call him Mr. Association. It is here that we met Mark Belcher (Nope I never heard him belch or anything) from London (he reminds me of CNN’s Anderson Cooper) who will spend most of his time in Siem Reap with us.
We finally got a taxi after insults, shouts, door-slamming etc. It was really very funny actually, that was the most dramatic taxi moment of my life. In the background I can hear Mr. Association shout in heavily accented English – you are the most bad tourist that I ever met – I almost choked trying not to laugh out loud. Anyway, the cab driver (he got $40 from us plus $5 tip) led us into an experience that I will definitely swear off from doing again in the future. The border to Siem Reap was a 5-hour bumpy, REALLY bumpy ride. After that, I thought I developed Sciatica and my feet switched with my hands or something. Never eat buffet before going to Siem Reap, lest you regurgitate everything that you just had. Of course empty out your poo and pee pockets, unless you want to do it in open fields (at least you give other people the chance to have something to look and laugh at), which is all you will be seeing for 5 hours! I was seated beside the cab driver while Leah asked Mark highly intellectual questions such as How’s the Queen and Is the London Bridge still falling down. Good thing ‘coz the ride made me unconscious and I fell into a shameless stupor. Doris, I’m guessing is evoking the spirit of Sadako while bobbing her head lifelessly up and down haha.
I could almost feel what Marco Polo felt, when he first set foot on land after months of traveling on a ship, when we reached Siem Reap. A free tuktuk was waiting for us at our beck and call. Our tuktuk driver’s name is Ra. Ra then dropped us off to our very Cambodian Inn named Green Village (haha I thought we will be staying at a hotel with crazy names). We had dinner after arranging with Ra so he could bring us to Angkor the next day. Agreed time was 5:30 AM so we can have breakfast while watching the sunrise.
Let me tell you about the deal with Filipino time. But then again, I’m too lazy to talk about it haha. So yeah the agreed time was 5:30 AM, big deal. Mark and Ra waited for us for an hour and the three of us got dressed in only 30 minutes! Of course we miss the sunrise, who cares? Anyway, to cut things short, we were definitely on our way to the legendary ancient city of Angkor. Prior to visiting these places, we had to purchase passes for $35 each for a one-day pass. Mark got himself a one-week pass (honestly, a week of looking at ruins is too much unless you eat and breathe Angkor). After 20 minutes of breezing (the early morning wind was so pleasant it was almost sexual) in Ra’s tuktuk we were at the Angkor Wat’s entrance. This is the best time to visit the Angkor Wat; there are few tourists yet. Most tourists at this time of day are oldies; you will definitely feel the antiquity of everything, so to speak. Before beginning the long walk inside, we searched for something to eat. On our way to a barbecue sandwich stall, we were accosted by Cambodian kids selling us spectacular state-of-the-art knick knacks like wooden bracelets and postcards. As young as they are, they are the best salespeople that I ever met. Relentless, cute, and tenacious. Of course I bought 2 packets of postcards and 2 bunches of wooden bracelets for a dollar each. Who could resist their cuteness? (For all we know they will tell each other – haha foreigners are real suckers!) After I got my purchase, the kid that I said no to went to me and demanded that I tell her why I didn’t buy from her and told me as a matter-of-factly that it was unfair. Then she shouted “Don’t come back to my city again!”, that lil’ witch!
The Angkor Wat is an epitome of Cambodia. It’s in ruins, moldy, but regal nonetheless. Ruins don’t excite me at all simply because my imagination will run wild whenever I see something ancient. I transport myself a hundred or thousand years ago and think what the structure was like, complete migraine for me! Most often than not if I see ancient temples I almost always associate them with human sacrifices and that automatically churns my bowels. I didn’t have the chance to browse in the internet stuff about the Angkor Wat, so we just had to make do with eavesdropping from tourist guides while they regale tourists with stories. The Angkor Wat sits on a vast field, I’m sure it was more than one hectare. All the walls are covered with interesting etchings of deities with legs stretched, commonfolks, animals, etc. Even the ceilings have wonderful etchings. Mark was particularly fond of the structures that guard the entrance – mythical creatures with asses as big as J Lo’s! I particularly enjoyed feeding the wild monkeys at the opposite end of the Angkor Wat, Not that I have a fascination with monkeys or anything. I just found them very cute (in fact I remember some of my friends through them haha). Doris enjoyed taking photos from her camera that we will soon learn took nothing at all (good thing I brought my phone camera). Leah on the other hand got really psyched seeing the ruins. After developing varicose veins as big as the Balete, from excessive walking, we then proceeded to Wat Thom or Bayon.
What I love about Bayon is that it’s not so vast and wide therefore you don’t have to battle it out with your varicose veins or something. Bayon’s main features are the four-faced pillars atop the entire structure. I heard it signifies that their King (or Buddha?) is always watching them, talk about trust issues! Even if the whole place is in ruins, it’s as if a giant hand carefully piled up the large pillars and had meticulously strewn them across Bayon’s once-existent courtyards. It’s easy to get lost within the tricky tunnels within the structure. Of course I never dared to play around, lest I’d be transported to a place where cellphones and television are witch gadgets. Outside Bayon is refreshing, since there were a lot of trees to block out that darn sun. (I believe in the saying – black is beautiful, but too much black is charcoal). The Angkor Wat had no trees whatsoever, so everyone was up for maximum exposure. We were about to proceed to the air balloon where we got tickets for $30 each. I was quite looking forward to it since 1, I’ve never seen an air balloon up close, and 2, I’ve never been in one. But it was still 2 PM and yeah the sun was having a grand time himself, so we decided to ask Ra where we should go next. Imagine my excitement when he said that the place where The Tomb Raider was filmed was near! Of course we have to go there!
Lesson learned – never amp yourself over something, you will be very disappointed. True enough I was. The noisy Koreans didn’t help also (don’t get me wrong I love Korean drama but never Korean tourists, they are just soooo noisy). Wat ____ is a cornucopia of ancient giant trees with roots as wide as my waist (and I’m not slim at all) intertwined with the ruins. It was as if the trees went berserk and crumbled the structure under it. Anyway we had an hour to spend before we hoist ourselves 300 meters above sea level.
In one hour I learned that Mark is scared of heights. And Mark, on the other hand learned Philippine history from the Spanish occupation to the present through moi in 1 hour. Unwarranted or not, I just blabbed until I realized I too get tired of myself sometimes haha. The ten minutes that I spent up in the air wasn’t very nice, I must say. I literally saw my life flashed before my eyes, and yeah that Korean lady didn’t help at all. I could’ve easily tripped her out of that friggin’ balloon. Good thing the view from below was so magnificent, everything became worth it. Suddenly, the cool breeze up in the air was interrupted by a funky waft of odor. Fuck it’s me! I need to take a bath!

SAGADA SOJOURNS

2008-03-27T11:39:00.001+08:00

Being one with civilization most often than not could cause the sanest people to flip out for no apparent reason, whatsoever. Metals and glasses on cement could never suffice at all for the much needed landscape that could soothe the mind. The smog that we religiously breathe in wouldn’t be of such help either. The noise, most especially, can leave us at the edge of our patience. You can spend your days bitching about it or better yet dealing with it head-on! Well I dealt with it (after much bitching, for sure!)! So, it was then that me and my equally crazy friend, no other than the Queen Bitch Herself, Leah (I’m the Bitch Emperor, just so you’d know), has decided to spend the holidays on high level altitudes! I don’t mean climbing up a thousand flights of stairs just to prove the insanity clause, which is way too flagrantly on-your-face obvious. Of course I meant going to Sagada (and as if the title of this thing will never give you an inkling of any sorts on what this is all about)! So my Sagada cum Holiday adventure starts…
December 21 was a day to be reckoned with. A day to be specially marked on my “Significant Days” calendar, for it is one of those days (to be politically correct, it was actually night, since we left the city during the night, but duh! who would ever give a shit?) that I considerably, possibly, probably, may have lost some weight (well about half a micro-pound). Why? Well, stupidity played a major role, but I have to blame it on my career for reclaiming my life and forgetting to borrow hiking packs from some of my friends (weird, I heard the loudest lightning ever!). So in the absence of a major bag in which I can lug all my stuff in, I brought 3 big bags instead! My brown Elle bag for my laptop, my Addidas sack for my gadgets (hair drier, hair iron, phone chargers, The Zahir by Paulo Coelho, green peas and my BFF Espoir) and my gray ukay-ukay bag for my clothes. I just wonder, if I got to carry all of my bags and hike all the way to Baguio, I can let Quasimodo take a vacation and I will be the next Hunchback of Notre Dame (at least I get to live in Europe!)! That could be fun! But then I could cause a major national incident the next time I get my toenails done, the nail technician will die at the sight of my corns as humungous as the Banaue Rice Terraces (or is it Bocaue Rice Terraces? Haha)! Anyways, back to the adventure. So it was then, on the 21st night of December, together with the Bitch Queen, that we have decided to torture our asses for 5 hours on a trip to Baguio, to segue us into the paradise that we set our minds on.
After two stops, where Victory Liner obligingly gave us, and some centuries after, we arrive at Baguio at around 6 AM. Upon disembarkation, the cold air slammed at our faces like two chismosas bitch-slapping each other. I, on the other hand, with my intellect left somewhere between Manila and Pangasinan, was wearing shorts that just grazed above the knee. Mind you, the cold air that crept up my thighs weren’t that pleasurable as others might think. Dragging my near-freezing full-muscled ass plus my 3 purgatories (my bags, that is), the Bitch Queen and I gleefully took a taxi that would eventually take us to the Dangwa station, where we will take a bus ride to Sagada. On our way there, we announced our arrival to the populace of Baguio by messing around with the city’s pollution by exhaling air to create fog. We bought bus tickets when we got there and decided to eat breakfast at a nearby cafeteria (where a sign says that if you’re not a customer and you use the café’s comfort room, you have to pay 500 pesos, makes you think why you shouldn’t buy food instead). Leah had her first complete meal of the day – coffee and water. I, on the other hand, considered the next 7 hours of having nothing to stuff in my throat but air, and so decided to have a plateful of rice, lechon kawali, vegetables, and Milo (but I, being the Bitch Emperor, I would like to call it Hot Choco). After masticating the fried crunchy suckling pig and fresh foliage, we decided that our bus co-passengers are all ready to feel our presence. After our asses had found a place to amalgamate, we doze off for a while (contrary to popular notions, us bitches need to rest also).
I was unabashedly shooked up one time when the bus took the sharpest curve ever and my head, which was dangerously lolling off the side of my headrest, fell and rolled out of the door (it rolled in garden and under a bush and then my poor meatball… was nothing but mush hehe). Seriously, the term twist and turns was graphically demonstrated by the roads leading to Sagada. The only way to stop your ulcerated stomach from churning and regurgitating your last meals was to distract yourself from the view on the other side of the road (One, rice terrace, Two, rice terraces, Three, rice terraces, etc). You can even wave at the clouds. But then, you’d have to endure the blatant stares and chuckles afterwards, so you might rethink that after all. You can exercise your mandibles and nibble on anything, nuts, candies, tissue paper, whatever. At least after the journey, you’d have the greatest chiseled jaw; Gretchen Baretto would give her Swarovskis to the poor. Reading is out of the question. Don’t ever try reading Paulo Coelho’s poetic verses at high altitudes and when you’re in great swooshing motion and you’ll have the worst case of vertigo – hand-delivered by Lucifer himself. If you already got tired from staring (or emotionally breaking down) at the scenery outside, you can always work out your intellectuality and whip out your incendiary wit by talking about other people’s lives. (I saw a signage once that says, “Great Minds talk about events; Poor Minds talk about people”, or something like that. Well, I talk about everything ESPECIALLY Events and People, so I may have one hell of a mind HA! HA!). After literally crossing seven mountains, enduring 2 freezing piss breaks (try pissing inside a walk-in freezer and you’d get what I mean), and major loss of sensation of my Gluteus Maximus, we finally arrived! Citizens of Sagada, Behold! Drop whatever you’re bringing and fall on your knees for the arrival of Your Royal Bitchiness.
Describing Sagada as a quaint little town is an understatement. Seventy percent of the entire land area is foliage, around twenty percent is the residential area, and the remaining ten percent is occupied by a measly thousand, both mortals and ghosts (I’d assume that Sagada wouldn’t just be a breeding ground for hardcore naturalists but also of free-roaming spirits as well). The Bitch Queen and I went directly to the town hall to register and to check out some activities that we can do, of course we didn’t plan to travel a gazillion miles just to freeze ourselves.

Parallel Intercourse

2008-03-27T11:17:00.002+08:00

It's hard to wake up when the warm breeze lulls you back to the field of dreams. Harder still, to bend beyond the rickety prongs where your livid body has decided to amalgamate itself upon. Way harder to fathom succumbing to the tempest of the angry sun... of the impatient wind... of the wailing rain... You yearn for the melodic cacophony of sounds... the music of your dreams.. You yearn to run and fight the gust of wind against your face, arms spread; your fingertips caressing the wind’s billowing robes, your bare feet amidst the velvety grass, and tears, oh beads of tears – pure sweet happiness streaming down your cheeks... You yearn to lie on the white powder-sand of the beach willing your toes to be licked by frolicking waters of the deep. You yearn to live a perpetual life, death being a foreign word. You yearn of yearning…

The creases in your forehead prickled with sweat until it flowed incessantly to the camber of your nape, down to the folds of your pillow, acting as a vessel of your anguish as it likewise serve as a receptacle of dreams. The white blanket enveloping the fullness of your body seems to be a strong blast of light in the verge of completely consummating all of darkness, until it is dark no more. And you continue to dream… Dream to yearn… Yearn to dream…
And so it was then that you have finally decided.

*dlas*