Having had the best week of my life in Bangkok, I’d like to share the top ten things that I learned in Bangkok (yeah, I just had to repeat the entire title of this friggin’ article).
1. Never assume that since Thais look like us we can easily understand each other.
If you’re a Filipino, that is – brownskin, pudgy nose, average height, curly hair (if you’re of Aeta descent); if you think otherwise, example you feel like you look mestiza already after a bottle of glutathione and a truck of papaya soap, then you live in a parallel world where you are alone (hahaha). Yeah, so back to Bangkok. Imagine talking to someone whose face is just like the faces that you see day in and out when you’re in the Philippines, but the moment they open their mouths a queer high pitched sing-song language poke your ears. Lo and behold, the Philippines really is the 3rd English speaking country in the world!
You can just imagine how a simple “How do we go to the train station?” would fare. It took us two hours to get an answer! Yeah, talk about a major nosebleed crisis! It was quite fun when I queued up in a Starbucks or a KFC and let them make their spiel in Thai and just smile up to them – then telling them my orders in fast English.
So the next time you want to extract information from a Thai national, these four words should serve your right - “Do you speak English?”
2. Authentic Thai cuisine can be classified into three – spicy, super spicy, and crazy spicy.
If you love spicy food so much, well, good for you, if not, good luck! Personally, it’s not that I hate spicy food. In fact I like it, but I can only eat anything spicy if I’m in an air-conditioned room that can suppress my sweat from pouring. So imagine my surprise when we looked for breakfast and what we saw was soups and porridges in large cauldrons with different shades of red. It was 6 in the morning and I’m drenched in sweat, tears welling up my eyes and the cafeteria lady sweetly told me that what I’m having was actually mild. I’m fucked! In fact, in my entire stay in Bangkok, my rectum was burning (hahaha).
Of course, not all Thai food are spicy, you dumb idiot. In fact, I love some of the street foods in Bangkok. I love their banana crepes, and Pad Thai, among others. It is there that I learned that I could never be a Food Adventurer, after my Bangkok experience, I thought I could eat anything, but once I saw various snacks ranging from hotdogs that smelled like feet, crickets, and cockroaches (they say these roaches are of a different genre from what we have in our houses, yeah that’s a relief, thank you very much haha) I had to rethink myself.
If you love spicy food so much, well, good for you, if not, good luck! Personally, it’s not that I hate spicy food. In fact I like it, but I can only eat anything spicy if I’m in an air-conditioned room that can suppress my sweat from pouring. So imagine my surprise when we looked for breakfast and what we saw was soups and porridges in large cauldrons with different shades of red. It was 6 in the morning and I’m drenched in sweat, tears welling up my eyes and the cafeteria lady sweetly told me that what I’m having was actually mild. I’m fucked! In fact, in my entire stay in Bangkok, my rectum was burning (hahaha).
Of course, not all Thai food are spicy, you dumb idiot. In fact, I love some of the street foods in Bangkok. I love their banana crepes, and Pad Thai, among others. It is there that I learned that I could never be a Food Adventurer, after my Bangkok experience, I thought I could eat anything, but once I saw various snacks ranging from hotdogs that smelled like feet, crickets, and cockroaches (they say these roaches are of a different genre from what we have in our houses, yeah that’s a relief, thank you very much haha) I had to rethink myself.
3. Bangkok Taxi Cabs are super cool.
You can never get tired of looking at Bangkok taxi cabs, unless you are color blind or just an old bore. Most cabbies there are in pastel colors – hot pink, neon yellow and metallic green; fun huh! Better still, ‘coz their fare is cheaper than ours. Although their flag down rate is 30 baht, their taxi meters run at 1 baht unlike ours that run at 2.50 pesos.
Frankly speaking, I am fed up with our taxi cabs here in Manila! Apart from riding in “Tetanus-on-wheels” (which we have no choice from since most cabbie drivers are picky – the nerve!), most cabs smells funky like a mixture of rags, sweat and feet (yum), and cab drivers here rounds off you’re total taxi fare. I always ask for change, I only give extra if the cab driver was good.
You can never get tired of looking at Bangkok taxi cabs, unless you are color blind or just an old bore. Most cabbies there are in pastel colors – hot pink, neon yellow and metallic green; fun huh! Better still, ‘coz their fare is cheaper than ours. Although their flag down rate is 30 baht, their taxi meters run at 1 baht unlike ours that run at 2.50 pesos.
Frankly speaking, I am fed up with our taxi cabs here in Manila! Apart from riding in “Tetanus-on-wheels” (which we have no choice from since most cabbie drivers are picky – the nerve!), most cabs smells funky like a mixture of rags, sweat and feet (yum), and cab drivers here rounds off you’re total taxi fare. I always ask for change, I only give extra if the cab driver was good.
4. Even if you think that you are already dark enough, you can still go a shade darker than what you really are.
So I thought I’m golden brown already. Yeah yeah big deal. I thought sunscreen lotions are for lighter-skinned people only. Wrong. After spending a great deal under the hellish heat of the Sun, the dizzying and glaring golden- capped temples at the Grand Palace, and did I say that it was a gazillion degrees in Bangkok? Enough said.
Next time, always believe in the saying: Black is beautiful, but too much black is charcoal!
So I thought I’m golden brown already. Yeah yeah big deal. I thought sunscreen lotions are for lighter-skinned people only. Wrong. After spending a great deal under the hellish heat of the Sun, the dizzying and glaring golden- capped temples at the Grand Palace, and did I say that it was a gazillion degrees in Bangkok? Enough said.
Next time, always believe in the saying: Black is beautiful, but too much black is charcoal!
5. You can never get enough temples in Bangkok.
Since Thailand is predominantly a Buddhist country, of course you should expect a lot of temples, and Buddha relics or monuments in different poses – reclining Buddha, meditating Buddha, standing Buddha, etcetera etcetera. I’m not complaining though, I studied Buddhism in high school and I know how reverent the religion is. Here in the Philippines, the Buddha that we know of is the obese person with arms stretched up, laughing heartily and in different levels of disrobement. Of course, this is an entirely different Buddha.
What I noticed also is that most houses in Bangkok have elaborate bird seed thingies. These are like colorful bird-houses that are placed outside Thai houses. But then again I think they are like altars and such. Probably like some Filipino houses that have grottos of the Virgin Mary in their gardens. I’ll ask around when I go back to Bangkok.
Since Thailand is predominantly a Buddhist country, of course you should expect a lot of temples, and Buddha relics or monuments in different poses – reclining Buddha, meditating Buddha, standing Buddha, etcetera etcetera. I’m not complaining though, I studied Buddhism in high school and I know how reverent the religion is. Here in the Philippines, the Buddha that we know of is the obese person with arms stretched up, laughing heartily and in different levels of disrobement. Of course, this is an entirely different Buddha.
What I noticed also is that most houses in Bangkok have elaborate bird seed thingies. These are like colorful bird-houses that are placed outside Thai houses. But then again I think they are like altars and such. Probably like some Filipino houses that have grottos of the Virgin Mary in their gardens. I’ll ask around when I go back to Bangkok.
6. When you’re in Pat Pong and a hussie promises you a “fucking show”, trust him, it IS a fucking show
WOW!! Pat Pong is crazy! It is best if you visit Pat Pong with friends, lest you go alone and be branded as sleazy. Of course bring your non-prude friends. Leave your prude friends behind unless you want to endure loud shrieks of “yuuuccckk”, and if you have enough restraint not to slap this friend’s face. You will typically be accosted by a hussie (hustler or pimp or whatever) bringing a menu-like thingie listing stuff like: Ping-pong shooting, Banana slicing, and bottle-opening, among others. Pretty normal eh? Then put vagina along each activity and you’d get my drift. I bet you won’t look at a bottle of soda the same way again!!
WOW!! Pat Pong is crazy! It is best if you visit Pat Pong with friends, lest you go alone and be branded as sleazy. Of course bring your non-prude friends. Leave your prude friends behind unless you want to endure loud shrieks of “yuuuccckk”, and if you have enough restraint not to slap this friend’s face. You will typically be accosted by a hussie (hustler or pimp or whatever) bringing a menu-like thingie listing stuff like: Ping-pong shooting, Banana slicing, and bottle-opening, among others. Pretty normal eh? Then put vagina along each activity and you’d get my drift. I bet you won’t look at a bottle of soda the same way again!!
7. Bangkok is the new “tiangge” Mecca in Southeast Asia.
Chatuchak, Bangkok’s weekend market will excite those shopping mongers shitless. Those stuff from Greenhills will pale in comparison from the thousand square foot vast selection of clothes that you usually see in boutiques. What’s crazy is they cost waaay lower. Example, you can get swimsuits that’s almost like you got it from Nothing But Water for more than a quarter the price. The down-low of this one is that you won’t be able to buy anything anymore since you know that you can get cheaper stuff.
Actually, this cycle will be never-ending. You learn that clothes are very inexpensive in Bangkok. When in there, you’ll discover places cheaper than in Chatuchak. So and so forth, until you discover a place where you get ‘em for free.
Chatuchak, Bangkok’s weekend market will excite those shopping mongers shitless. Those stuff from Greenhills will pale in comparison from the thousand square foot vast selection of clothes that you usually see in boutiques. What’s crazy is they cost waaay lower. Example, you can get swimsuits that’s almost like you got it from Nothing But Water for more than a quarter the price. The down-low of this one is that you won’t be able to buy anything anymore since you know that you can get cheaper stuff.
Actually, this cycle will be never-ending. You learn that clothes are very inexpensive in Bangkok. When in there, you’ll discover places cheaper than in Chatuchak. So and so forth, until you discover a place where you get ‘em for free.
8. Compared to what we have here, everything is grand in Bangkok.
We were so excited and haughty when SM’s Mall of Asia opened. Imagine my astonishment when I saw the malls in Bangkok! Going to Louis Vuitton in Greenbelt will involve plenty of foot power. In Bangkok, you just cross the street and there’s Louis in all its glory. (Of course this is an exaggeration, it’s not like as if it’s 7-11 you know. By the way, this doesn’t mean that I’m into Louis Vuitton and that entire shenanigan, I would like to elaborate on it but it will be a different blog altogether). But that’s just the malls…
Oh my god their Mc Donald’s fries are gigantic so as their large Coke! Our KFC is waay better than theirs, thank God, but I was so flabbergasted by their fries. Then again, this is a country who love elephants, so I guess it rubbed of to their potatoes or something. Speaking of elephants, it surely is grand! The biggest animal that we have here are carabaos or our local drunkards. Hmmm what else is grand? Well, one of their attractions is the Grand Palace, which will make our Malacanang Palace look like its bathroom.
We were so excited and haughty when SM’s Mall of Asia opened. Imagine my astonishment when I saw the malls in Bangkok! Going to Louis Vuitton in Greenbelt will involve plenty of foot power. In Bangkok, you just cross the street and there’s Louis in all its glory. (Of course this is an exaggeration, it’s not like as if it’s 7-11 you know. By the way, this doesn’t mean that I’m into Louis Vuitton and that entire shenanigan, I would like to elaborate on it but it will be a different blog altogether). But that’s just the malls…
Oh my god their Mc Donald’s fries are gigantic so as their large Coke! Our KFC is waay better than theirs, thank God, but I was so flabbergasted by their fries. Then again, this is a country who love elephants, so I guess it rubbed of to their potatoes or something. Speaking of elephants, it surely is grand! The biggest animal that we have here are carabaos or our local drunkards. Hmmm what else is grand? Well, one of their attractions is the Grand Palace, which will make our Malacanang Palace look like its bathroom.
9. Contrary to popular belief, a 30 minute elephant ride is scarier than a 50 ft roller coaster ride.
When I first saw an elephant, all I can think of is “Shit this is how I die”. Such monstrosity, although they seem docile especially if you picture Dumbo, could easily throw you a few meters with its trunk and could easily crush you with its hind leg. When in front of an elephant there will only be two expressions that you will be mumbling. Ooh and Aah. Ooh, when the elephant picks up a banana and eats it gingerly. Aah, when you get slapped by its trunk or it sneezes on you.
My elephant experience was obviously memorable. Notwithstanding the obvious facts stated above, it was an experience that I could only do once a year. The fact that I had a 12 year old boy as a “driver” never helped. The first half of the ride involves trudging under the hot sun in an open field while firmly gripping your seat, lest you fall and get trampled on by the elephant. The second half will make you invoke all known Saints and see your life play out in front of you. Memorable and miserable, just like the first time you fell in love hahaha.
When I first saw an elephant, all I can think of is “Shit this is how I die”. Such monstrosity, although they seem docile especially if you picture Dumbo, could easily throw you a few meters with its trunk and could easily crush you with its hind leg. When in front of an elephant there will only be two expressions that you will be mumbling. Ooh and Aah. Ooh, when the elephant picks up a banana and eats it gingerly. Aah, when you get slapped by its trunk or it sneezes on you.
My elephant experience was obviously memorable. Notwithstanding the obvious facts stated above, it was an experience that I could only do once a year. The fact that I had a 12 year old boy as a “driver” never helped. The first half of the ride involves trudging under the hot sun in an open field while firmly gripping your seat, lest you fall and get trampled on by the elephant. The second half will make you invoke all known Saints and see your life play out in front of you. Memorable and miserable, just like the first time you fell in love hahaha.
10. No matter what, you will be coming back to Bangkok.
Enough said!
Enough said!
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